I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[Pack_19]

Hi all,

I hope you are doing great! First some updates on how Pack's life is improving.
I have contacted a couple of driving schools to get the motorbike license and I have my eyes on what is going to be my first motorbike hopefully. I need to sell the house in Munich before I can buy a new car so this is a different path that hopefully will be more affordable.

I have identified three new certifications that will bump my professional profile, two from Amazon and one from Google and I am going for all three of them during this working from home time. I got a call the other day for a job with Apple but the job is in Barcelona and it requires attending the office regularly, I also interviewed with a couple of companies in London and I plan to use this when I need to discuss moving forward in my team this year. When these things happen it makes me question again how my future is going to be and if eventually I will have to decide between my career and spending more time with the kids because obviously our situation as a broken family is not going to change in the mid term. I talked to a friend for 2 hours yesterday and I was talking about choosing between boxing, functional training and crossfit as a new social activity that involves getting in better shape and he recommended crossfit so I am going to call next week to join with an old friend of mine who lives here in Seville. I look forward to meeting new people there.

I finished reading NMMNG and it is amazing the things that I have done in the past and not complained about as well as how I was never able to place myself first. I guess a lot of my barriers had to do with that overwhelming responsibility of maintaining a family since the very first day I started my first job. It is very difficult to think about this and put at one side the side of the story in W's head. I am sure she felt like her life was never going to be the same in the UK or Germany as it could be here, I dont really know and cannot guess now. She mentioned so many times that she could have been happy with me anywhere but that I was the problem that I have started to think by being a nice guy I lost all attraction and respect she could feel about me. Next book on my list, Hold on to your NUTS.

I am ready to set up my picnic and sit down back to the castle she has built. I have been throwing stones for too long. In my picnic I am really good at work and sports, my friends love spending time with me, so do my kids, we laugh and I feel great as a man. In my picnic I save a part of my salary for a sports car and a nice motorbike, I prioritize the time I spend on the bike and running and I read books to improve as a man and lover.

I have two demons fighting inside my head right now. One is telling me the best for us 4 is to find a way to start over, that I should be patient and just do my thing and learn for once how to DB properly and focus on myself. This demon is whispering to me, if you give up now, you will not be able to say I did all I could, because you have been a terrible DBer. Based on my past and my beliefs, this demon is a strong one, is telling me to eat up my pride and fight for this in a new way. The other demon is telling me to stop tolerating this behavior and start respecting me as a man and father. This second one speaks about how long it has been since we are separated and how very few signs of regret I have seen in W, as well as all the manipulation she has used to get her way. The second demon knows I am a great man and I deserve a woman who is crazy about me and would fight until the end of her days to have a great relationship with me. He tells me everyday how little W cares about our M and vows and he is pushing me to find a great live between here and Madrid or London.

I am scared of both of them, the first one has only caused me pain and misery for a year beyond limits. I have gone through something I would not wish my worst enemy to experience, my head is torturing me with memories of the four of us as a family and I have not been able to be the man I used to be even after a year after she left. The second one is pushing me to a new life that I know if I start, it will mean the end of my fight for this, but it scares me because as you know I feel that would confirm my failure to preserve the most valuable thing I had in my life.

I have set a soft deadline in May 2021 and a hard deadline in August 2021. I am finishing DR for the 5th time and I have set new roles for my picnic.

> I will stay strong and calm on every interaction with W, never mention any subject that involves throwing rocks to her castle
> There will be a change in the way we interact, we will talk about neutral subjects
> I am going to find the best version of me and become a confident, attractive and independent man who knows what he wants and goes the extra mile to get it.

Being at home with S7 for 14 days has been amazing. We have bonded a lot and I can tell he laughs with me. The negative aspect has been too much time thinking about the situation, the lack of change in W and how much time it has been since we started living these separate lives. Like I said, its time to lay down my picnic and find the best version of Pack, for my own happiness. Thank you all for your support and help! it means a lot to me!