Summary so far: H's behavior increasingly erratic, angry, confusing, judgmental, critical, etc for several years now, but I had attributed it to the immense stress in our lives with work crisis, narcissistic XW harassment, aging parents, and other stressful things happening all at the same time. Meanwhile, my health was deteriorating and I entered menopause early and really struggled with it to where I was in a fog and pretty shutdown and exhausted. H was not helpful or sympathetic and put added pressure on me to be more active and was angered that I wasn't doing more even as I was struggling to keep working and take care of the family. My personal self-care was pretty non-existent due to the fact I had nothing left for myself.
Meanwhile, my H mentioned he had a opportunity to meet up with an ex that I knew about while we were on a vacation in another state. I, totally trusting of him, encouraged him to meet up so that he could get closure on some things that I knew he struggled with on how that relationship ended. Anyway, after that I didn't think much of it...as I'd always been trusting and never had told H he couldn't communicate with ex's, especially if they are far away.
In the fall, he suddenly told me he want a D but couldn't tell me why. I begged, pleaded, cried and did all the things you do, and asked to go to MC, and he said he would think about it. Weeks went by and I felt even worse physically, and I told him I needed to know where we stood before the holidays. He finally told me he was done and I kicked him out. Before he left, I asked if he was having an affair, and he denied it. When he left, he seemed in a hurry and not emotional about it at all. I remember thinking that was odd. He told me he would go stay with a family friend in another state. I thought this friend would be helpful in helping him see his sitch differently.
After a few days I found out that he had rented an AirBnB in a town that I knew his XGF had a daughter. It was then I realized he was having an EA, which obviously would or had become an PA. I sent him a message that I knew what he was up to and only then did he admit to the affair. After some time apart, I encouraged him to stay at our home so that I could hopefully have the opportunity to reconcile. He stayed here as well as at another friend nearby, but still maintained he did not want to work on things and wants a D. I told him that due to my principals and couldn't just D without making effort...that I took my vows seriously. So I would not "help" in the process of D if he choose to move forward with it. During all of this, I've pretty much maintained a friendly attitude (however, maybe too friendly and giving in the opinion of some of my forum friends here), so over the last couple of weeks, I've been detaching more fully and not initiating contact and not engaging as much. He is currently staying at an AirBnB but popping over to the house almost once a day.
His friends and family are as in shock as I am. No one saw this coming and he has not turned to any of them in making the decisions he has made. Our kids, his kids from previous MR, are young adults, but not really sure how to feel, so they avoid talking about it and just try to support each of us. But conceding both their bio parents have ended their marriages with infidelity, I worry about their future relationships and I worry the effects will show up later in their lives. Of course H thinks they "will be fine".
My emotional state: Right now I do feel more detached from him and I am accepting that things will not change with him in the short term. I've discovered more lies and due to financial security concerns, I am gathering documents and plan to file for D...unless he files against me first...which process I know he has started. I am worried about my future, but I do know and feel I will be okay. I feel strongly that he is in a MLC and things with his OW will not last, but I have to protect myself in case he never snaps out of this new personality he is now. I've decided I can't be with this man who is currently showing this lack of character, integrity and with this level of selfishness.
Self care: I've come a long way with my health and am finally feeling physically better, and many tests have shown no serious issues. Many of my symptoms were related to hormone unbalances, but also the immense stress and anxiety of the last few years was sitting on my chest, but thankfully, there doesn't seem to be any serious heart damage. I'm still doing a few more tests to be sure, but so far, all good results. I've been exercising (yoga, walks), baking, reading (self care and self help books), baths, spending time with friends, and watching shows...which help me to relax. I have also done IC and am currently switching to a new one to better dig into my feelings and my own growth versus just dealing with the initial BD and the MLC. Someone to focus on me instead. I do feel a lot of sadness and disappointment, but I also realize I am not alone (thanks to you all), that I will be okay, and that I deserve better.
Friends and family: I've drifted away from many friendships over the last few years, as I felt like such a drag with all the stress that was happening in our lives as well as many of my friends could not relate to our life and I started to feel judged and misunderstood. I'm hoping to rebuild the ones that I think were true, and let the others go. My family has tried to be supportive, but no one really understands the feelings that I have as they have never experienced anything like this. I get a lot of advice that I feel helps 'them to feel better' about how they don't like seeing me hurting instead of what I really need in support and advice. So, I have shared less and less with most of them. I have one GF that I am very honest with, and I keep it at that. As for H's friends and family, many of them reached out in the beginning and were loving and supportive, but I've hardly heart from most of them, which is hard because I feel like I am going to lose this side of the family as well...and I have grown to love them very much. I do have a few H's friend who are really working to maintain a relationship with me and are frankly pretty angry with H.
Not sure what else to add here, but this is generally my sitch to date. I feel empowered to take my future in my hands. This is all I can control. So, one foot in front of the other...one day at a time...my journey continues...
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
