Journey of me and H Part 2

[DnJ]

Good Morning PLC

...he meanders into the kitchen and me being me, will ask if he cares to join us, then as a teen, he responds with asking what I am making. If it sounds good, he says yes, if not no.

Teenager mentally. Just respond “ok”. And let him sit in his room.

I want to redo some things around the home. I know it is silly, but part of me worries if I do, he might think I have moved on and he cannot come back, but the other part of me knows nothing I do will change his mind, this is all him.

I do understand what your feeling. I wouldn’t call it silly, although I do know what you mean by that.

Your feelings are real. And like all feelings, my included, they are within the realm of irrational, as in not logically based. As you stated “I know it is silly”. Our knowing and our feeling are oftentimes different views. Treat them as such.

Getting passed your feelings of worry of what he might think doesn’t happen by dismissing those feelings. Labeling them silly actually reinforces them. Intellectually they are silly, but that turns out to be counterproductive. Instead look at those feelings and worry from an intellectual stand point and discover why you feel that way. That understanding is the underpinnings of emotional intelligence - the why of feelings. It is an intellectual understanding of the irrationally driven emotional realm.

Both views, intellectual and emotional, are true. And you can throw in the third your spiritual value belief based view as well, another true and valid viewpoint. None of these has, or even should have, complete and absolutely dominance over you. Each viewpoint shows you something. Peace and serenity comes when all views are aligned; when the “cars” are side by side.

Of all these views, intellectual is the one you can control. The others are influenced. Our control also extends to the physical, our actions and reactions. This control also influences the others.

I am having a hard time dropping the rope in one situation; I want to redo some things around the home.

Why?

The answer will probably surprise you. Irrational ties usually do. The rope you are hanging on to; you have a reason, you just haven’t understood it yet.

However, dropping the rope doesn’t require full understanding, in fact the emotional understanding results from the influence from the controlled action of the dropping. In this particular case, that action is more than just emotional and intellectual, there is a physical component to it, which makes it so much better and reinforcing - Redo some things around the house. It’s a bit of a convoluted counterintuitive path at first go. Simply put - Act as if. (Your feelings and understanding will catch up )

I deserve pretty things. We have lived in the same home for almost thirty years and although there have been little fixes here and there, it has been a while. I would like to shake things up a bit, but I also do not want to spend a bunch of money, if I need it down the road.

I’ve take the liberty of striking through the part that is justifying your inaction and reinforcing your worrisome feelings.

PLC, yes, you do deserve pretty things. Give your home a lift. Maybe it doesn’t require a complete make over, a few new lamps, furniture, some paint, cupboard doors, a new tub and shower, whatever you want. This is a more wants than needs. This is the fruit of your life’s work, enjoying some well earned comforts.

Of course, don’t go spending all your savings . However, worrying that you might need it down the road is looking towards a possible divorce. That is wise. And no reason to remain static and unchanging. Which is even wiser. Again both are valid and can, and do, exist simultaneously.

Tell me what you would like to do with your house. Imagine it. Describe it. That is the first step to making it a reality.

he might think I have moved on and he cannot come back

Fear paralyzed us. Holds us static and unchanging.

Updating your house might push H out the door. Or it might push him to see you are moving on AND he needs to get his act together before he loses you. Or something completely different. Or nothing at all. I don’t know that part, no one does. I do know you’d have made a pretty house.


And by the way, fear is always about us.

“he might think I have moved on and he cannot come back” isn’t about H and his thoughts - it’s about your’s. You fear you will move on and not want him back. Your statement is true, it’s the why, the viewpoint that is hidden.

A fear, a worry about a possible future change in feelings. Your feelings will change, feelings do. Feelings are fleeting. Control your thoughts. Find and follow your beliefs. And dress up your house along the way. It’s all about standing for you.

D