Thanks for the replies. I just want to put it out there; after the things that have been said and done, kid gloves aren't really the issue so much as having a bit of optimism now and then. I appreciate the advice and encouragement. The perspective about time and what is and is not in my control is also good to see.
I think, ironically, what was intended as parting words from Steve (and a few others now) about finding peace might have been the most helpful bit I've seen. Finding a resolution, a way forward, a decision, an answer, a reason, a sign.. all of these things are on my radar. None of them really lead to peace. I think making that my focus will probably fix most of the other issues.
May 22 - The perspective of my own experiences is a double-edged sword. It creates expectations of what will and won't happen or comparisons between what did or did not happen. These are existing within myself and are things I have heard from my W on a few occasions. "Well, you did this or that". I've reflected on this quite a bit lately. So, after giving you more of my WH story (below), reflecting on my decisions to have a PA is the only thing that has given me a counterbalance in this. It's hard to keep it in perspective, and it really isn't tipping the scales. It's more like seeing your spouse shoot themselves in the foot and then doing it yourself. When I recommitted to the M, I was all in. I guess she didn't really know that back then, but I did. Here, she has agreed to stay but has repeatedly said that there are no promises and that she just wants to go be alone and have nothing, etc. At the time of the PA, in my mind, our M was over by my wife's request. The EA was a blur. It just happened, and every time I made that choice, it felt like I was taking part of my identity back. It's absurd, of course. It was just self-indulgence. Thank you. Typing this out has helped me. I carry guilt about my role as a WH but I also have to accept that I made a decision to not be that person again.
(my original sitch when I was a WH) My original sitch was back in 2008. I had an EA with a WW. I don't know how many details are really relevant past the fact that our M was in a bad state. My W got angry, physically assaulted me (she bruised me up, I didn't really fight back). She left for deployment, saying it was over. My EA turned into a PA. I told her about it and that I was moving on. She begged for me to come back, and we had 2 toddlers at the time, so I decided for their sake to do that. In retrospect, I was in a dark place before the EA. I was a full-time student and working 2 jobs. That's not intended as an excuse so much as a catalyst. After the PA ended and we started our reconciliation, I had to leave everything (job, friends, etc.) and move to CA with my W for the Navy. I committed myself to the kids and tried to make the best of the M. After a few years of denial, and I slipped into depression. I was in and out of moods, and I started bodybuilding. During this time, I "came around" and fell in love with her again.
