reason, are you in IC? I am noticing avoidant tendencies in your post. I would highly recommend working through that in IC. You run the risk of making a choice based on which you perceive is the easiest path. R and D are both emotional roller-coaster rides. So you may make a choice that you will later regret. A good IC can help you work through all of that.

Rarely are the best decisions made based on what you you perceive is the least painful decision.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018