Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[Elbereth]

Well, that didn't go to bad. And he still has his dingaling... hahaha

I showed H the agreement and he sort of was semi-resistant but also said he wasn't against it and part of it made sense. He tried to assure me he was going to be 'fair' to me, but I said I appreciate that but I can't trust that. I pointed out that with this agreement he could do more of what he 'needed to do' but not have me pay for it. So it was a win in that regard. He took the docs to look them over. Overall it was a nice 'family' night which was my goal. I kept the mood light and fun and enjoyed the evening, even if I am really upset about the recent discoveries. I am not ready yet with the D paperwork, so I feel better about keeping things closer to what they have been to avoid any new drama at the moment. I didn't want him to sense that I am going to move forward with filing. I felt very detached and not emotional about H this evening...which is sort of new. I usually have felt so sad and emotional after seeing him but tonight I felt detached and not sad at all. I think at this point, I feel I can take it or leave it. Actually, I don't want this person as he is. I want to get away from this person. If he changes into someone with integrity and character like I married, I might feel differently. But right now, to know he is lying to me and being deceitful and he's with some OW, I don't want him. Sure, I'm still hurt and angry, but I deserve more... Is this denial? Or am I hitting the level of indifference that I should be hitting to detach fully?

I'm supposed to see him tomorrow as we are go to an appointment together. He wants to talk more about the D, but I think I am going to try to avoid it if possible. I want to keep the focus on the agreement. Hopefully we won't get stuck for a couple of hours together. I'll probably see him on Friday as well before he takes our S back to school. Definitely the most I've seen him in a week or more and the most we have talked. I think he still feels like we can be great 'friends', but I do not think I want that once the D is finalized. I don't know how to do that with a man who is this person...but I've not verbalized that yet to him. Should I? Does it matter? Would it matter? I'm not sure. I definitely have pulled away and am doing less communication, and I think he wasn't sure how to read me when they first arrived, but I made the night fun for the family. I guess I'm worried about how this might confuse him, but tonight was for me and the kids...I needed it to be a fun family night. So, I got that. If he is confused at my detachment on other times, that I guess should be his issue?

All of this is so odd, and I'm just trying to go with my gut instincts and also trying to not make it uncomfortable for the boys...especially being with them half time as a step-mom.