Still taking it a day at a time (2)

[may22]

Hi CW, Cardinal, Gerda, Wooba, Elbereth! You guys are the best and it is nice to hear from all of you. I'm glad you liked the poem. I've never been much of a poetry person but in the last year that has started to change. And of course Amanda Gorman hit me like a freight train on Inauguration Day and I'm still kind of reeling from that too. I've always been much more of a reader than a listener, but the power of her words really blew me away and has made me feel differently about the spoken word. Coupled with (on the other side) the damage that words can do as well... anyway, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about all of this. And will share more poems as I come across them if it seems like they'll resonate with my friends here.

Thanks for the encouragement on the cover letter writing! Gerda, I did take your advice on the resume. I had a first round interview last week and have my fingers crossed things work out. I've had a number of opportunities come my way over the past year, and either said I wasn't interested at the start or a couple of times pulled my name at the last minute. But now I feel ready and this is something I want. And if it doesn't work out, that's okay too. The whole consultant thing is still tickling the back of my head as well.

I'm feeling things change in my sitch. Like the tides are shifting at some deep, invisible level. Part of me is scared to write this here and name it. But I do sense that things are changing for both of us.

A couple of weeks ago, something shifted for H. He said that while he knew in his head that this was the right decision, that his gut hadn't always been there-- and now his gut has caught up. He feels love for me in the little moments and says it, smiles with his eyes, hugs me for no reason. The humility that needs to accompany the remorse that the vets talk about and I never saw in my H-- that has finally surfaced. He talked about the shame and guilt, named it, owned it, and apologized over and over without qualifications. Said he knows he doesn't deserve what I'm giving him. He even started reading the Shirley Glass book (!!).

For me... I've felt a shift internally too, a readiness to stop digging into past hurts. I think I've been doing this to remind myself of just how badly he hurt me, like I need a refresher so that I can keep my walls up and not get hurt again. And somehow over the past week, this need has broken down. Like I really don't need to do that to myself, right now. Maybe I will want to again in the future. But right now, today, it just doesn't serve me to spend a whole lot of time wallowing in past pain, picking at scabs to make them bleed and remind myself just how red the blood is. I'm okay with letting the past be in the past, right now. I still feel detached in the DnJ removal-of-the-decoupling-mechanism way. But it feels like we're driving in the same direction now and while it took me a while to poke and prod and disbelieve and honestly be a bit of a b!tch more than once to see if he veered off, I'm settling in and feel okay about where I am right now.

Will this last? Is it real? I don't know. But I honestly feel better, mentally healthier and stronger, more at peace than I have in a long while.