I'm not really sure what your objective is here. I have two choices. I either trust and try to move forward or decide I do not trust and run our M into the ground. I'm not supposed to spy/snoop, but I'm also not supposed to trust her words. I'm supposed to maintain a positive attitude and act "as if". There's a chance you're right about the PA. Of course, there is. However, I can choose to fixate on that and drive myself into mania or focus on constructive energy. I'm not going to participate in hand-wringing over what-ifs. What I will do, is set a clear boundary, and if she crosses it, we're done.
I've been solidly engaged in my degree program. I am engaged in the church. I have been doing things with my kids. I also don't miss her. This is different and a bit worrying. I don't know if this means I don't want her back or if I just learned to be me by myself. I find myself considering other options. I don't feel compelled to email her really at all. I'm not thinking about what she's doing or when she'll write. I do look for it, but at this point, I think it's a habit more than anything. I glance at my inbox and kind of shrug when I see that there's nothing.
I can't decide if I'm just numb at this point, properly disconnected, or finally done with this whole thing. I also don't know which of these I would prefer at this point. I've struggled a bit with coming to terms with exactly what she has done. It's also starting to sink in that this isn't something that just happened or happened to her. It's a series of decisions. I genuinely do think she's struggling with her sense of identity, but I'm trying to decide if that matters.
