Trying to heal from WW

[sandi2]

I do still have a bit of denial that she will come to her senses and see what i have to offer, i guess its just fools hope though.

I think it is this hope or denial that holds the LBS to the dream that their spouse will suddenly come to their senses and see what you have to offer. Just look at the user names over the years and see how many wrote "hope" in that name. We've had so many to ask if there is hope, and it's hard to tell them otherwise. I do believe there is hope in many cases, but when I see people clinging to the possibility their spouse will somehow suddenly come to their senses and want to work on the MR.......I feel they are clinging more to a dream, b/c it seldom happens the way the LBS envisions. We have many stories to back up how it doesn't happen that way.

I don't actually see a lot of reconciliations, even as much as we did a few years ago, and I think it has to do with the attitudes and mindset of people in our world today. I will spare you and not get off into that subject. But I will say that people have been so influenced by the world's propaganda, that successful R appears less often.......or so it seems.

A lot depends on who that WW really is at the bottom of her soul. If she's going through a rebellious period, where her actions appear totally opposite of the W you've always known her to be, then I tend to think there is more of a chance for her to recover. However, you have to look at her track record. You have to look at her childhood and young adult years. Many times there are extended circumstances that impact a wayward. That's not to say she can't recover, but there are so many who come from a dysfunctional past, and I think it affects how she recovers.

Last but not least, is the fact it takes reality slapping them hard in the face. Hard enough for their fantasy to blow away and they are left with nothing but truth. How many months or years will it take? That's something we don't know, but after being on the board for quite a while, I can tell you it's longer than most newcomers would initially think. I told a newcomer today that it usually takes at least a couple of years, based on what I've observed. One reason I say a couple of years (at least) is to give the LBS a more realistic time, and to stop trying to "do something" that will suddenly snap the WS back to their senses. There are some things you just have to move out of the way and let "life" do it's job. Make sense?

I have been seeing what people have asked on other threads about what the LBS would actually do if WW decided to come back and i have been thinking about it, i honestly dont know what i would do. I still want to make the marriage work and if she showed genuine remorse i might be stupid enough to try again, there is probably less than 1% chance of that happening though.

There appears to be a few LBS thinking with that viewpoint, but I still see LBH's initially focused on one thing: getting her back. If they think all it takes to reconcile is for her to feel remorse, then LBH's don't fully understand what it's really like in most cases. Remorse is necessary, IMHO, but remorse doesn't automatically solve the issues. Everything about the MR has been tarnished, and a few couples may have some type of "honeymoon" period (I didn't), but soon enough they will have to deal with the issues that plaque the MR, before the W went wayward....and afterwards. And, if she had an affair........they may need professional help in order to get back to a healthy place. Realize that she is very unhealthy, if she should return before getting counseling. Her eyes may have been opened to her fantasy, but it's not a fix-all. Unless she has gone through the affair withdrawals, and has taken the time & steps to "find her former self" before attempting to R, then they aren't likely to just jump back into a lovie-dovie lifestyle without the work.

I recommend LBS's have certain stipulations for the return of a WS. Those stipulations should not be revealed until the WS asks or suggests a R, returning, etc. The reason I say this is due to things I've read, where the LBS can't keep their mouth shut, and want to tell the WS what they will require in order to R. You know the type, right? In the meantime, the WS couldn't care less. Now, stay balanced here and don't wait until they've moved back home and then tell them what you need to reconcile.