We had our week long Chinese New Year break here, and ExH for the first time since BD had the kids two nights straight. He booked a hotel for two nights, told me that they're going to see his parents the first day. I was curious what he had planned for the second day, but I didn't ask. They were staying at a fancy hotel downtown, maybe strolling around in the city? shopping for new clothes? Taking them to buy toys?
So when the kids came back, I asked them what they did. which was ... nothing. They played on their devices in the hotel room the WHOLE night. S10 said he was the only one who paid attention to time and he realized that it was almost 11pm so he told everyone to turn off their devices and they should go to bed. S12 said, "You know, dad is always konked out. We pretty much took care of ourselves, with video games." Apparently ExH ordered room service for dinner, and the kids ate on their own while he continued sleeping. Later when ExH woke up and realized that S8 didnt eat (like any kid who's preoccupied with video games) and got angry, and according to S10, "Dad grabbed S8 with his legs and yelled at him and he was crying". I asked S8 if he told dad that he was hurting, he said, "I was crying so much I couldn't say it, and it hurt so much that my cry sounded different". S10 then said, "I told dad that he was hurting S8 but he didn't listen to me"
Well. My heart broke in pieces. I told the boys that it was not their fault. I told S8 that he shouldn't have been treated that way. I told S10 that I was so proud of him for trying to help his little brother, and it was not his fault that it didn't help. I asked them if dad was drinking. they said yes. he had his bottle of whiskey. I think at this point they know that dad is drinking too much, and dad is not a responsible adult.
Speaking to my L about this tomorrow. I'm not sure what constitutes child abuse here in this country. But I do worry that it will get worse. S8 wasn't injured, but it sounded like it could be traumatic to me. I feel like under the normal schedule of having the kids over at his place for a few hours over the weekend is okay, even if he's passed out, the kids are old enough to hang out on their own. I am afraid of escalating this to no visits at all. I really need to think about it.
I am thinking about writing ExH an email. maybe he didn't even remember that this happened. Will he find his conscience? Is he going to threaten the kids next time he has them, to not "report" anything to me? How can someone who's been abused and who has always been SO vigilant about how other people treat our children, possibly become the abuser?
