Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #2

[Rita]

Mine told me over and over that I didn't know how to love him or be a wife and went through the list of all the men I had inappropriate relationships with, including a famous actor who used to come to our business and was half my age, and three priests who counsel me. He used this to justify his choice to connect with old girlfriends for lunches, etc., and then that just got worse and worse. In the early days, I felt terrible for what a bad wife I had been because I thought I must have done something that appeared inappropriate even though of course there was NOTHING there, and I committed myself to what I saw as a sort of penance of waiting while he did those things.

I have been watching videos on narcissism and narcissistic abuse and they are really fascinating. You will see all your lists checked off. One guy called Sam Vaknin does videos that are a little odd and very scientific but spot on. His major premise has to do with the narcissist seeing every act of love you attempt to undertake as threatening to his "perfect object," which is himself. It's basically Gollum and the ring. It was kind of Jungian and hard to understand but once I understood what he was saying, it was a pretty perfect way to understand the hatred and spewing. Because as we all know, no matter how much hatred and spewing there was, we kept thinking it was an anomaly that would soon be over. And I know for some of us, the MLCer does heal and come back. But for some of us, the NPD was always there, and the MLC just made it run wild. The Jungian sort of outlook this guy had explained exactly why, the more I loved, the more he hated. That process was part of my journey of becoming a Christian -- I was basically enacting the cross, so I suddenly understood it. But now, seven years later, I realize that H is also literally in hell. He can't receive love and will do anything to beat it back, like a demon terrified of the light. And that that is his choice, even if it very sadly comes from the abuse he suffered as a child. But that I don't have to stay in hell with him.

P.S. Goodbye, my friend! Today is last day before Lent.