The only thing I did was sent a follow up email the next day regarding the anniversary dinner and just declined it. Let her know that I won’t be celebrating this year. That was it. I don’t believe she will make any attempts to reconcile those have all been me anyways and the scorched earth thing shouldn’t be too likely either since she already went through the F you phase. It might happen but hopefully it will just flicker out uneventfully and she will just find someone else’s like to ruin. I’ll let you guys know if anything changes but besides email there is no communication and she has yet to email me. It seems like she gets it.
Steve_
Do you really think she is done?
My brother ended up marrying a girl that was less than attractive. It isn't that she is unattractive, but compared to some of the stunners that he dated she wasn't gorgeous like they were. I can think of 2-3 absolute knockouts he dated, before he dated and ended up marrying his wife. But looking back on the years since they've been married, I know why he married her. Because she was absolutely crazy about him, would attempt to swim an ocean for him, would fjord rivers for him, would climb mountains for him. He saw a willingness in her to please him to the point of almost spoiling him. She does everything in their R, he does very little.
I think your STBXW was like that. She saw something in you that would allow her to go out and do whatever she wanted, but still come home and play house. That she could have the stability and family with you, but then she could go be wayward with anyone else she wanted, and if she came home and said the right things she'd still have her faithful H and kids to fall back on. Most of us come here because our once loving and committed W is now wayward. Wayward is who your W is. And there are 7 affairs in your short time together to prove that theory.
So will you continue to let her run roughshod over you? I hope not. Will you continue to fall for her words and spring into action as her loving and committed H? I hope not. You seem to be saying some good things this time. But you also say some alarming things. Things like it feels like YOU are giving up? YEAH, giving up getting your junk kicked in by a mule! You say you think she "gets" that you are done. But to her this will blow over like it has 100s of times before. She is letting you cool down over finding her treasure trover of Valentine's Day gifts from her OM, and then she will start writing and saying sweet words to make you think that despite the 100s of times nothing changed, that this time will be different.
Trust us, including those that have posted this warning above, this is not over for her. The further and faster you run the other way, the harder she will try to convince you that this time she is really coming home. Do not discount that. Just like I told you with my ex-GF, when she really feared that this time I was really moving on is when she would dangle sex in front of me as a way of trying to lure me back. Your W is going to pull out all of the stops.
What my hope for you is that this time you SEE it for what it REALLY is: her trying to have her cake and eat it too. That this time you will say "I don't care WHAT she does, says, etc, THIS IS OVER!" That is what I had to do with my ex-GF. I had to decide in my own mind that her and I were not an option...not because of her and her choices, but because I HAD DECIDED she was not an option. This is what we've tried to get you to see dozens of times, that it is within Steve_'s power to say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! She has had a gazillion chances! I can walk away from this woman and never look back with a single regret!" I truly hope you are there. I fear you are not. I fear that as soon as the emotions calm down, she will come to you with sweet words and promises and that you will cave like paper chair under the weight of sumo wrestler. I pray that this time is different.
Steve_, do not go silent on us. Make a commitment to post multiple times a day about your thoughts, your feelings, etc. We expect you to be up and down. To be resolved and to be afraid of the decision you are making. That is part of the process. Posting here, doubling down on your IC, continuing to read self-improvement books are all ways to get you through that. When you don't post for several days I know what is going on: after a couple of days you forget all of the wisdom and encouragement to do what is right for you. Your mind starts listening to your heart about hoping she will see how much you love her and that it will change her. After a little more time goes by you start to romanticize about how when she wasn't cheating on you 7 times, that things were so great. And that if you give up on her than you will always look back with regrets. About this time is when she sends a text or email with the goal of giving you the false hope that suddenly you have opened yourself up to. At first you respond snarky, but then as she continues to amp up the ILYs and telling you what a great H you are, your resolve collapses like a adobe house in a 7 point earthquake. You start planning a get together, or having her over to have family time with the kids. You make a ton of mistakes that lets you fully reattach to her.......and when she realizes that you are still on the hook she pulls the rug out from under you somehow and you race back here to tell us the story and how this time you are really done.
So commit to posting her 2-3 times a day.......tells us about the emails she sends. Tells us when she does something at dropoffs and pickups. Let us help you. And get off the crazy train that continues to go around in the same loop over and over again.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
