If I don't stop and post now, who knows when it'll happen! Going to full-time at my new job in January has been a big adjustment, even though I was essentially working full-time in the fall between two other jobs. I am really enjoying the job, and the team is amazing. They are such different (virtual) company than H--enlightened, optimistic, emotionally-aware people, much like my friends here. I feel so lucky to know them and to work with them. I've realized I need to balance my passion for the job and for learning new things (and that tendency toward wanting to be perfect at a new job) with the rest of my life, since when I really care about something I seem to want to give it 200% (like single-handedly saving my M! ). My brain seems to want to either spend time trying to solve fun work problems (productive) or H "problems" (not productive), and though I don't get stuck in the latter as much, I'm seeing that I need to work on retraining my brain to just be and not always have to be in problem-solving mode.
Both of these things are easy distractions from, for instance, settling back into my creative self, rediscovering my project that was thrown off-track with BD and going suddenly from PT work to FT. I have been taking small steps back, though. I did get over that dread of opening a new document today, I did write some new sentences for Gerda.
Many times I've thought about posting something here when I've been overwhelmed with feelings, and I usually think of what you all might say in response, and eventually, yep, feelings are fleeting, as DnJ taught me, they pass. I did the New Year's self-compassion mediation challenge from Ten Percent Happier, and I've been really enjoying taking 10-15 minutes most days to meditate with the app. One week I listened to the same short talk on anger every day. Ah, so this is what it feels like to experience anger, sit with it, and not act on it, I thought. This is why H's new method of exploding anger instead of pushing it down is maybe a change for him but not an altogether healthy one.
No mention of anything D related since H's blow-up and then sharing of some of his feelings after Thanksgiving. No updates from my L. Nothing moving. (Having H as a roommate is allowing me to save money, though--I definitely underestimated the taxes that would be taken out of my paycheck, and that again means I really need to stay in this house.) He's been quite friendly for the last couple of months, which is also sometimes hard. Pre-BD, he used to be completely anti-social media. Since then, he has embraced one in particular. I never look at it, but apparently one of our friends still does. She never brings it up, but she did last night, and I had to ask her--based on just this one curated glimpse you have into his life, does he seem different to you? Uh, yeah, she said. He reminds her of her 21-year-old sister, except she is more sober and sane. She said it's clear he thinks he is living on some timeline of what he perceives to be liberation, but is really just delusion and denial.
I gotta say it was a little bit gratifying to hear her say that, to hear that she gets glimpses into his life outside this house and it is obvious to her what it is and isn't true. She is insightful and even states away can see that he is not actually living his best life. But also... sad to hear.
One of H's November comments that I've been unable to completely shake, as my last post here attests, is that I didn't do enough/didn't really do anything to save our M. Classic, right? The LBS-can't-do-anything-right dilemma. Yet it still got to me, and I still found myself wondering (trying to problem solve an unsolvable problem at 3 a.m.)--did I do enough? Did I love enough? Etc etc.
And then, in the car the other day, it hit me, and it seemed so obvious in a way it hadn't before:
What does a loving, caring spouse do when their spouse says they're unhappy and want a D? They are open to counseling--they express a desire to go and really listen to their spouse, to really understand where they're coming from. Check!
They take a good hard look at their own behaviors and perhaps even go to IC to understand their own patterns and learn how to see themselves more clearly and be a better partner. Check!
They take responsibility for whatever they could have done differently and resolve to make positive changes, and they express this to their spouse. Check!
That is all stuff I could control, all pretty common-sense stuff. I think most objective bystanders would say, oh, yep, you did all the right things. What I can't control is H's inability to really see/feel any of this, or to believe I love(d) him.
I don't know why I was suddenly able to understand this, or why I've struggled so much to see this. I finally felt that need to prove something fade. I mean, once you say a hard no to counseling or working on the M... do you really get to say the other person didn't do enough? This feeling of confidence may be fleeting too, but at least I can go back and look at this simple list in black and white.
It seems I am in the small percentage of the country that is not covered in ice and/or snow at the moment (and I'm jealous, though not of the rolling blackouts). I actually cleaned up the garden a bit this weekend, and the tulips I planted in the fall are coming up. I made lemon shortbread cookies to keep in the freezer (not really a deterrent to eating three at a time, evidently), a loaf of bread in my new batard-shaped banneton, and a cranberry apple crisp. I felt a bit low yesterday and when I checked in here it was as warm as ever. There is so much love, kindness, and support to be found here. I do keep reading even when I find it challenging to carve out time to post.
). My brain seems to want to either spend time trying to solve fun work problems (productive) or H "problems" (not productive), and though I don't get stuck in the latter as much, I'm seeing that I need to work on retraining my brain to just 
