Tom, I wish you and Sally nothing but the best and hope for happiness for you two. I sincerely do. There are always exceptions, and maybe you'll be. But in general, in the vast majority of cases, starting a new R when you have unresolved feelings and business with a previous person will end poorly. That is why dating before coming to closure with the MR that is ending is not encouraged. We've talked before about the statistics regarding 2nd and 3rd marriages, and I think a big reason for those statistics is people jumping right into something new too quickly.
Steve, you have hit the nail on the head. So I'd ask that you please continue engaging with me and the others here to see if I am mended well enough. Ask the tough questions, I respect your opinion!
I'll say this for now -- Sally and I were both pretty wounded when we reconnected last year. Her marriage didn't end by divorce, but there was a lot of pain and conflict during her 30 years with her husband. Since reconnecting we have walked two steps forward, one step backward, and sometimes staggered to the side. But I'll say this -- it has been a joy to have walked alongside her as we both recovered. Frankly, I find it hard to believe that any fellow can work on himself (or vice versa) without have someone close at his side -- not necessarily a romantic someone, but someone nonetheless. I have been open and raw with her about my failings, more so than even here.
In fact, the three pillars of my recovery have been my therapist, Sally, and DB. But not necessarily in that order. I have to be careful during my hour each week with my therapist -- to not spend the entire time talking about what I learn on DB!
Originally Posted by Steve85
Tom, it is your life. Don't let strangers on the internet "sting" you. Maybe you'll be the exception, and it isn't like you don't have history with Sally. But for her sake you need to be honest with yourself. What would you tell Sally if your W wanted to R? What would you do?
I could spend hours on this answer. But the short version is this. If my ex said, "I've withdrawn my divorce petition, I want to explore counseling and therapy and take some time seeing whether we could stay together" I would not go running into her arms. I've pondered this from two perspectives -- with Sally in the picture, and with her not in the picture -- and both ways come to that same conclusion.
Would I talk to her? Yes. I've been waiting for that for nearly 18 months now. Would it be painful? Heck yes. Would Sally be impacted? Of course, she would be in tears, she remembers my choice 30 years ago. Could reconnecting with my ex, through therapy or some other way, change my views, make me want to reconcile? Always possible, any new relationship or reconnection impacts current relationships. But I didn't give my heart away easily 30 years ago, and I didn't do it easily last year to Sally. The contrasts between she and my ex are even more dramatic now, so are the connections that Sally and I have, mostly communication that I never had with my ex.
