OB’s last comment is key. Letting go is the only way forward. I know it feels counter intuitive but you have to understand that letting go and reconciling are not mutually exclusive actions. Try to put yourself in your H’s place. This decision of his did not come out of the blue. He has been unhappy for awhile. He has decided that the source of his unhappiness is you. Even if he is 100% wrong about that, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he believes it and he has taken the incredibly difficult step of FINALLY telling you and moving out. The weight of that secret he was keeping from you has lifted and consequently, he is much happier now. When he asks the kids how you are doing, it’s probably because he feels bad about it. He knows you love him and that he has caused you immense pain. He has broken up your family and knows deep down this is a really crappy thing to do to you and to your children... and he does still care about you. But it’s all about him right now so this is all just a necessary step in his grand plan. He’s convinced himself that all of you will be happier in the long run and he just has to wait for you to get over the hurt and realize it too. He has justified his actions to the nth degree and believes this is the right thing to do. He can’t go back now...or anytime soon. He’s gone all in.
RE: The advice to act “as if” and Steve85’s comment about it being human nature to want what you can’t have. Think back to previous break ups and your level of attraction to boyfriend’s post break up. Who were you more attracted to? The guy you broke up with who was super upset and tried everything to make you change your mind or the guy who said he was disappointed but then walked away with his head held high and got on with his life. If you haven’t had those two types of break ups, I’m sure you know people who have. The first guy just makes you feel bad when you are around him and reinforces your decision to end things whereas the second peaks your curiosity a bit and may have even caused you to second guess your decision. Don’t worry that looking happy (or even better, BEING happy) will somehow reinforce his decision. It might initially as he will be relieved you are okay but eventually, he will look back and wonder if he did the right thing.
I completely understand where you are at now Luck. It wasn’t that long ago, that I was there too. I would have given anything for a do over. I replayed numerous situations in my mind when I had known on an intuitive level that something was wrong but I chose to ignore it because I was too scared of what he would say or do if I confronted him. I beat myself up PLENTY over my inaction...for months. Eventually, though, time and GAL efforts did their thing and I started to hurt less. I started to notice that he was no longer the first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning and the last thing I thought about when I went to sleep at night. I stopped obsessing. I forced myself to be social even when I didn’t feel like it and I even enjoyed myself from time to time. Little by little, I began to rebuild my life and remember who I was before we met. I focused on the other relationships in my life and consequently I became a better mom, a better sister, and a better friend. I found an inner strength and a confidence in myself that I didn’t know I had. My XH and I became good coparents and our kids are benefiting from that. Now and then, we have even shared a laugh together and I can almost envision us being friends one day. Am I 100% over everything? No...but I am happy and in a good place and I no longer wish that I could change what happened. I fully believe that everything happens for a reason and that I am on the path I was meant to be on...even though I didn’t choose it.
Anyway... I don’t mean to hijack your thread and go on about my sitch but I just really, really want you to know that there is light at the end of this awful tunnel. If you can turn the focus onto saving yourself instead of on saving your marriage, you will be surprised at how quickly you can start to feel okay again. And that is a good thing. Re: the anxiety you are feeling. I had terrible anxiety in the beginning so I did go see my doctor about it. I went on an anti-anxiety / antidepressant medication for about five months and I do think it helped. It didn’t eliminate those feelings but it definitely reduced them so I didn’t feel so out of control. It might be worth a conversation with your doctor. Keep posting and reading others’ sitches. It will help. (((HUGS)))
