Total newbie looking for encouragement

[SteveLW]

I want to thank you all so much for your replies. I am grateful I have found this place to put down my thoughts and receive advice from people who care and understand. Yes, I am in a pretty dark place right now, this being so fresh and it is utterly overwhelming. I am here crying like a baby because while I know I can’t control what he wants, I really don’t want what is happening right now.

We do not get to choose what happens to us, only are attitude and how we handle it. I think of people that are diagnosed with cancer. Some see it as a death sentence and give up. Others see it as a challenge, a fight that they want to win. And they work like crazy to beat it. When I was a kid an actor named Dirk Benedict (Starbuck from the original Battlestar Galactica) was an example of the latter and is still an inspiration to me today because of it.

I wonder, will acting “as if” offend him further? Will he think I am selfish and not thinking about his hurt?

We all struggle with this. And the truthful answer is that yes, it will offend him further. But that is not necessarily because it is the wrong thing to do, it is because no matter what you do it will offend him! That is the thing with WASs, you are darned if you do, darned if you don't. If you pressure and pursue it will offend him. If you act as if and leave him alone it will offend him. If you donate to a children's hospital it will offend him. You can do NO right by him right now. BUT, here is the thing. Pressure and pursuit will offend him, and push him further away Where as accepting what is happening and acting as if will offend him, but will allow him to miss you and potentially get him curious and draw him closer to see why you are okay with it. He expects you to be sad, to be broken up and to be devastated. When you are the opposite of that it will actually make you look more attractive to him. Humans want what they can't have, that is why playing hard to get works!

Also, for those of you who are piecing or reconciling - how did this begin? Did you avoid contact until they initiated?
I know that I am in very early days and I shouldn’t expect anything like this for a while. Everything just feels so urgent in my mind right now. I’m like a ball of spinning anxiety.

I can only speak for myself, but what worked was GAL, 180ing and becoming the best version of myself, and detaching. Early on the tighter I held on the more she squirmed to get away. The more I accepted her decision and began to move forward with my life, the more she doubted the decision she thought she wanted.

So slow down, breathe, and realize things aren't as urgent as you think they are. Even if he were to D you, that will not prevent him from wanting to R in the future. LBSs, and LBWs in particular, always view D as a finality. It isn't. It is merely a potential step in the process. Focusing on yourself is the answer, because focusing on your WAH is just going to push him further away.