Total newbie looking for encouragement

[134luck]

I want to thank you all so much for your replies. I am grateful I have found this place to put down my thoughts and receive advice from people who care and understand. Yes, I am in a pretty dark place right now, this being so fresh and it is utterly overwhelming. I am here crying like a baby because while I know I can’t control what he wants, I really don’t want what is happening right now.

I wonder, will acting “as if” offend him further? Will he think I am selfish and not thinking about his hurt?

Also, for those of you who are piecing or reconciling - how did this begin? Did you avoid contact until they initiated?
I know that I am in very early days and I shouldn’t expect anything like this for a while. Everything just feels so urgent in my mind right now. I’m like a ball of spinning anxiety.