You have some very wise advice regarding the business of divorce.
Originally Posted by Gerda
What your H thinks does not matter and is IRRELEVANT. Why even let what he might think into your mind? It will only confuse you, just as it did after BD. Your only concern is what is true, not what he thinks is true.
Facts matter. What actually happened, documented proof, matters. Divorce is the dissolving a business deal, and in this case it actually is a business. (Emotions aside for now)
What is factual is a concern, however it is not your only concern. What H thinks is true, is applicable. Not in the legal sense, nor in anyway you need to bow to it.
I lead people at work. A large part of that is mentoring and coaching. One needs to understand what another is thinking or feeling before they can influence a positive change within that person. The idea of their truth becomes especially clear and important when investigating an incident, accident, and such.
I work in an extremely hazard environment. Our daily routine work is managing and working with lethal energies - and that is not an exaggeration. A misstep in procedure, a misjudgement of distance to energized lines, can have dire consequences. Of course we have many safety protocols in place. It takes more than just one thing to go wrong. Still, each items is like the holes in Swiss cheese slices, when enough of them line up, bad things happen.
It is paramount that I, or whomever is investigating, understands what the person was thinking. What they thought was true. No one is going into work to have an accident. Investigations are not blame oriented, not to punish, they are to find the learnings, so everyone can benefit from the wisdom.
With H, what he thinks is true, matters. Just as much as what is actually factual and provable. Do not get wrapped up in his “truth”, nor his projections or fantasy. Detached understanding and seeing of his viewpoint allows you to understand him and negotiate better.
In my work life, that understanding of others leads to me being able to reach them and speak directly to what they thought and believed was safe or proper. That allows them and me to influence a change within them and their work practices. Follow up and positive reinforcement is needed for many weeks after to foster the change and the breaking of the errant habit. As you can see empathy and compassion would be requisites for anyone to be successful in influencing. Of course, I do have willing participants.
Understanding H’s thoughts and feelings, what he thinks is true, or wants to be true, is invaluable to you. That is gold for negotiating, or affecting a reasonable resolution to a confrontation.
I am sorry for my late response. Somehow I missed your post from two weeks ago. Anyhow, just throwing in my two cents.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
