Total newbie here so please excuse my inexperience and long post - first time posting in a forum also. A bit of background: Last October my husband gave me the ILYBINILWY speech which really did come as a bomb drop as I had no idea how unhappy he had become. I always thought we would be together for ever. Ours is a marriage with very few arguments. We are both conflict avoidant which is probably a lot of our problem. Of course before I found DB I made some wrong moves such as saying I would change, can we work on it etc etc. But my biggest mistake is suggesting marriage counseling. It was a colossal failure as he agreed to go but I soon realised his heart wasn’t in it and the counsellor cemented in his mind that as he was unwilling to work with me that the marriage was dead. He had also gone to individual therapy which told him the same thing.
Over the course of the next few months things steadily got more uncomfortable at home and it felt like we were walking on eggshells around each other. He said he still cared for me and didn’t want to hurt me and equally I felt uncomfortable around him because of course I felt extremely shocked and hurt. During this time he withdrew to the spare room and went out a lot to avoid being around me. All affection stopped. He was adamant about getting his own place and two weeks ago he moved out, so we are now physically separated.
I have tried to give him space and I don’t contact him except to respond to messages about the kids (two D 12 and13). The only time I see him is when he comes to pick them up and I try very hard to present a happy positive demeanour. This weekend he had the kids stay over for one night. My eldest said that he did ask how I was doing and apparently she said that I was actually a lot calmer and happy. He responded with “that’s cool”. Is this a good sign or not?
The girls also seem to think he is very happy in his new place. He is calling it his home and is excited about buying new furniture for it, and he is spoiling them with new beds to stay in and other things. My fear is that he will become so comfortable in his own place and now we are separated he will be less likely to want to come home. The Marriage Builders website says separation is very dangerous to the ability to reconcile so I am feeling a bit hopeless and scared right now. Any thoughts and advice from people further down the track is much appreciated.
Welcome, sorry about all of this. I know it is difficult. I can tell right now the situation is consuming most of your energy and thoughts. That is normal. And as you keep posting more details and getting more feedback you'll start to work thru all of that.
Right now you are looking for signs in him asking your daughters how your are doing. And you are worrying about separation being detrimental to R. The truth is his "signs" won't make sense because your mind is trying to put significance on his asking how you're doing over the significance of him getting his own place and moving out.
The truth is that right now signs won't make sense because you will read what your heart wants into them. And your fears will trick you into believing that R is less likely with separation even though the two of you were miserable in the days leading up to his moving out. See how your irrational thoughts drown out your rational ones?
luck, I wrote the following post specifically for newcomers like you that were struggling so much with how every little thing either helped or hurt the saving of your marriage. I hope it will help :
