Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[OnlyBent]

I am in shock. I just don't know how someone can be so different from what they were. And I've done a lot for my H. Been there through some really tough "stuff" with him. And I've been so good for the kids. How can someone do this to someone who's been that loyal and not feel anything? I'm just blown away.

Hey El

I’m really sorry that you’re having to deal with this, I can understand how incomprehensible it is. Please know that it isn’t you, it’s him. Proof of this is how many of us here that go through the same feelings. When you’ve been through thick and thin with someone, been totally loyal, you really can’t understand how this is happening. But unfortunately it is, and accepting reality is the only way to deal with it. I’m sorry El, you have support here.

[Elbereth]

Thanks OnlyBent. I know I am not alone in my feelings and situation. Unfortunately. I know logically this is happening, but my heart is still a bit shell-shocked. I spent the weekend trying to get a grip on my feelings and accept it for what it is, and look to what I can do to help myself get through this. And how to protect myself financially. I took a look at your sitch and I'm sorry you are going through what you are, and with a young child. I appreciate you taking the time to drop on my thread and as lovingly as possible, gave me a much-needed "get a grip" whack with a 2x4.

Kind of a rough V-day. It was 11 years ago that I took the leap and joined an online dating site on this holiday...with the hope of meeting someone new and getting a new opportunity at love. Sad to think about that today, that the person I met on that site, and that I put my trust into, could discard me so easily...like an old sock. And be so deceitful. It hurts, but I'm a strong woman and I will find a way through. And I appreciate having this forum for support so much. Especially with the pandemic and isolation.

Anyway, Monday is a new week and my goal is to get all my financials in order to give to my L. I am also going to try to get my H to sign the post-nuptial agreement (that the funds he took from brokerage and funds he spent without my approval --on his OW, toys, Airbnbs-- come out of his portion of the assets), but since so much time has passed (L's fault) I hope he is willing. He gave me a verbal that he would...but now is the real ask. I'm not really sure how to bring it up. If anyone has had a sitch like this, how did it go? I had told him I would not "voluntarily" help him D me, so I wonder if "if you sign this, I will move forward with D" is something to try if he refuses initial ask?

[SteveLW]

Not sure that will work. He can D you whether you help him or not. You can try it, but if he is smart enough he won't fall for that.

[Elbereth]

Hi Steve85,

I know that he can still D me...I had just told him I would not help him with the process...but now I am gathering documents to most likely file myself or at least engage if he serves me first. Of course he is one of the MLCers that said "let's do this amicably and be best friends after". As I wanted to attempt reconciliation, I didn't want to make the D easy for him...but now that he's doing even more strange things with the financials, I feel I have no choice but to move forward with D. He had said he'd be open to this agreement when I confronted him about the money he took from our shared investment account, but I'm not sure he will stick with his response...get it notarized etc. But either way, my L has discussed my options and I will do what I can to get what is fair. Truth is, he doesn't deal with stress well, so I'll probably have the bandwidth and grit to get through the process more than he will.

[SteveLW]

Elbereth, I am not saying you shouldn't ask him to sign it, you should. But promising to "help" with the D if he does isn't really a power move. So I was answering that question directly.

The sooner you can get him to sign the better. And the sooner you ask him the more likely you will get him to do it. But I just want you to realize that he has to be willing, you cannot force him, and threatening and promising things likely will make him dig his heels in deeper if he refuses to sign it.

As far as how, I think a straight-forward approach would work. Call him and ask him when you could get together to "sign some paperwork related to the D"? Get a meeting time setup with him at where ever you are going to get it notarized, and have him sign it. Keep it all business.

I am a little confused though, if you have everything documented then you should be able to prove that he took the mutual funds and spent them on himself AFTER saying he wanted a D. Any divorce court worth its salt would rule in your favor if you have that properly documented. And WASs are typically very lazy about D anyway so he probably wouldn't even show up for the court date for that ruling anyway. I am surprised your L thinks this post-nuptial is necessary, but he is the expert so let's go with it.

[Traveler]

Hi Elbereth,

It's a lot to take in. You've trusted and invested in this person for over 10yrs, and now they've betrayed you and are running in the opposite direction. I remember that feeling of wasted time/money/energy after BD#1. I still trust, but I extend less credit and ensure the "give and take" lie closer to a balance point.

You sound strong and I'm glad to see you taking steps to protect yourself such as asking your STBXH to sign a post-nuptial at your lawyer's recommendation. In my state, most financial protections set in at the moment one of you is served. It sounds like that hasn't happened yet, but you're close to it.

[Elbereth]

I see what you mean SteveLW. You are right that it comes across as a power move aka "controlling" which I am trying to work on.

I am a little confused though, if you have everything documented then you should be able to prove that he took the mutual funds and spent them on himself AFTER saying he wanted a D. Any divorce court worth its salt would rule in your favor if you have that properly documented. And WASs are typically very lazy about D anyway so he probably wouldn't even show up for the court date for that ruling anyway. I am surprised your L thinks this post-nuptial is necessary, but he is the expert so let's go with it.

Not sure, maybe it's differences in my state...but yeah, I do have documentation to show he withdrew the funds and the rest would probably come out in discovery. I'm hoping he will sign but he may not...as he is obviously hiding things...and may think he can get away with more than he will. My L thought it was worth a shot, especially as this was started before the new sitch occurred.

CWarrior, thanks. I think this sitch will change me forever. I've always been a trusting person. Now that my eyes are wide open to how 'fooled' I was, I won't be so trusting in the future. Not saying that there are not people out there that are trustworthy, more like I am struggling with how I can trust my judgement so fully in the future.

I didn't hear from H on Vday, big surprise, but every other day he's pinged me with something at least once. Tomorrow, H and both boys are coming over for dinner to celebrate some birthdays. I plan to try to be light, fun, and engaged, and try not to show how I want to cut his d*ck off. My goal is to keep things civil as I move forward in getting docs and such in place to file the D. Yeah, CWarrior, he has not served me D yet, but I know he had started an online 'quick' process..I saw a printout of some info he entered. So it could come any day.

One day at a time. One day at a time. Just keep moving right?

[may22]

One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. You got this, Elbereth. It $ucks but you have it.

I know we have a lot of similarities and even in the thick of the worst of it for me, there was definitely something satisfying to checking something off of my to-do list... and getting all my financials in line and having consults with D attorneys was HUGE for me. I know you've been through this before but maybe not with someone who is acting as douche-y as your H is, so I will bet that as painful as that process is, it will help you to feel more empowered and OK.

On the post-nup, if you haven't already, I'd talk to your L first to see how necessary it is now given the changing circumstances. Also, I seem to remember that your L isn't necessarily an experienced D attorney, right? I'd be sure to have those consults with someone who has a lot of experience with this kind of thing, especially how to deal without spending an arm and a leg on an H who is clearing out accounts and may be trying to hide assets. I'd be wondering a bit if it could possibly backfire, like if he's stolen from other accounts that aren't listed in the agreement, he/his attorney could claim that since they weren't mentioned in this agreement, you were approving his use. Or, if there are assets that he's hidden and aren't addressed here, that their omission means you are giving up your rights to your half. I know there are ways to add language into agreements like this to protect yourself, but I just think it is worthwhile to have the conversation first with a knowledgeable D attorney before moving forward with it now that things have changed somewhat.

If they attorney still thinks it is a good idea, then I would ask him to do it. I like Steve's approach-- hey, I know we talked about this before, just moving along this path as we go forward. If he says no, maybe drop it and go back to the attorney before pushing anything, especially as you're wanting to keep things as civil as possible for now. I also live in a no-fault state, but mine is 'equitable division' and the judge can take fault into account when dividing property, like if one party runs up a lot of debt or spends $ on the AP. But I don't know that in every state it matters when he SAYS he wanted a D vs when the D is filed-- I think in my state what matters is when it is filed. Some states also have a legal S option (mine does but it wouldn't have been useful) and that could also be something you might want to look into if you want.

Hang in there! What's one self-care item you have on the list for either before or after you see your H tomorrow?

M

[Elbereth]

I know we have a lot of similarities and even in the thick of the worst of it for me, there was definitely something satisfying to checking something off of my to-do list... and getting all my financials in line and having consults with D attorneys was HUGE for me. I know you've been through this before but maybe not with someone who is acting as douche-y as your H is, so I will bet that as painful as that process is, it will help you to feel more empowered and OK.

Yes, I agree...it does feel empowering. My last D was pretty easy. This one is a lot harder for all the reasons you point out (and more), but I think I'm finally settling into the fact that this is what I need to do for ME. I can't let him also affect my financial future...so I have to put a stop to it asap. I am so angry, I can't even imagine reconciliation right now, but if I decide it's an option in the future, then it's still possible regardless. I don't think I will ever merge my finances with someone ever again.

On the post-nup, if you haven't already, I'd talk to your L first to see how necessary it is now given the changing circumstances. Also, I seem to remember that your L isn't necessarily an experienced D attorney, right? I'd be sure to have those consults with someone who has a lot of experience with this kind of thing, especially how to deal without spending an arm and a leg on an H who is clearing out accounts and may be trying to hide assets. I'd be wondering a bit if it could possibly backfire, like if he's stolen from other accounts that aren't listed in the agreement, he/his attorney could claim that since they weren't mentioned in this agreement, you were approving his use. Or, if there are assets that he's hidden and aren't addressed here, that their omission means you are giving up your rights to your half. I know there are ways to add language into agreements like this to protect yourself, but I just think it is worthwhile to have the conversation first with a knowledgeable D attorney before moving forward with it now that things have changed somewhat.

Thanks May. All good ideas. As my D was a family referral, I wasn't sure what his experience was with divorces previously. Also crazy ones that are not standard. So we discussed and turns out, he is very familiar with them and does half his business per year in divorces. And he deals with larger clients (celebs, wealthy, govt.), so that was a relief. He also said he 'knows how to find hidden money' so he felt secure in his experience for my situation. Mmmm. Ha. And the fact that he is connected with a family member helps (for a very long time). We did speak of the agreement and he encouraged me to move forward with it and if he declines, then that is another thing for the case. It's written in a way that points out specific things as well as a blanket for more to come. At this point, I'd be pleasantly surprised if he comes through with signing it. So I am looking at it as more evidence for the judge to review. And S can affect things in my state too, so it hasn't helped H that he moved out and I didn't. He is acting like we are not married but we still are. My L feels strongly that we have a case that can provide evidence for a 'equitable division' as you say...not exactly a 50/50 split.

Wish me luck tomorrow night when I have H and the boys over for dinner...Steak was the request...so I will try not to cut anyone (or any 'dingaling') with my steak knife. haha. Had to throw that in there!

[Elbereth]

Well, that didn't go to bad. And he still has his dingaling... hahaha

I showed H the agreement and he sort of was semi-resistant but also said he wasn't against it and part of it made sense. He tried to assure me he was going to be 'fair' to me, but I said I appreciate that but I can't trust that. I pointed out that with this agreement he could do more of what he 'needed to do' but not have me pay for it. So it was a win in that regard. He took the docs to look them over. Overall it was a nice 'family' night which was my goal. I kept the mood light and fun and enjoyed the evening, even if I am really upset about the recent discoveries. I am not ready yet with the D paperwork, so I feel better about keeping things closer to what they have been to avoid any new drama at the moment. I didn't want him to sense that I am going to move forward with filing. I felt very detached and not emotional about H this evening...which is sort of new. I usually have felt so sad and emotional after seeing him but tonight I felt detached and not sad at all. I think at this point, I feel I can take it or leave it. Actually, I don't want this person as he is. I want to get away from this person. If he changes into someone with integrity and character like I married, I might feel differently. But right now, to know he is lying to me and being deceitful and he's with some OW, I don't want him. Sure, I'm still hurt and angry, but I deserve more... Is this denial? Or am I hitting the level of indifference that I should be hitting to detach fully?

I'm supposed to see him tomorrow as we are go to an appointment together. He wants to talk more about the D, but I think I am going to try to avoid it if possible. I want to keep the focus on the agreement. Hopefully we won't get stuck for a couple of hours together. I'll probably see him on Friday as well before he takes our S back to school. Definitely the most I've seen him in a week or more and the most we have talked. I think he still feels like we can be great 'friends', but I do not think I want that once the D is finalized. I don't know how to do that with a man who is this person...but I've not verbalized that yet to him. Should I? Does it matter? Would it matter? I'm not sure. I definitely have pulled away and am doing less communication, and I think he wasn't sure how to read me when they first arrived, but I made the night fun for the family. I guess I'm worried about how this might confuse him, but tonight was for me and the kids...I needed it to be a fun family night. So, I got that. If he is confused at my detachment on other times, that I guess should be his issue?

All of this is so odd, and I'm just trying to go with my gut instincts and also trying to not make it uncomfortable for the boys...especially being with them half time as a step-mom.