Back after a four-week hiatus. I needed some time to figure out a few things. I will be responding to previous comments in a bit.
I want to reiterate some things that were said earlier. Some of the advice came from Steve85.
I'm going to ignore comments from people who don't have my best interests at heart, whose motives are not edifying. You know who you are. Your motives are very clear, you want to criticize and hurt and throw zingers. Look inside your own hearts at your motives. And by "edifying" I include criticism as long as it's constructive and not personal. I received and accepted a lot of jarring yet constructive criticism here during my first few weeks. Later on I got some from may22 which I very much took to heart.
To the rest of you -- I don't say this because those with the dirty motives are personally hurtful. I didn't get to be a senior exec at a tech company because I didn't have thick skin and know how to thrust and parry with the best; and also get pretty good at assessing motive when someone starts talking. In the workplace, people with dirty motives don't last long in my meetings or on my staff.
Like everyone else here, I am a work in progress. If you don't like something I said, be patient and see how it develops over time. Demanding things through a keyboard is never effective. Also, it takes time for someone to recognize good advice, wisdom or common sense. It might not happen the first time those words are put on a page here in DB. So accusing me of "not listening" is ... well, perhaps premature. Maybe what was said needs some time to simmer. Or maybe what was said was baloney. People need time to process information, and processing isn't instant. And not all advice given here is good advice. We can all equally be the judge of that.
Final point. I was accused of being dishonest for not telling about the relationship with Sally upfront. But please hear me out before concluding such. When I joined DB last August I wanted a perspective on the things I didn't understand yet -- the end of my marriage. Saying, "I already have a girlfriend" would have distracted from the perspective I really needed, which was "why did my wife leave me?" Girlfriend or not, that was a legitimate burning question I had, and the answer is independent of whether I was seeing someone. And, when Steve and Vapo and others were saying emphatically "don't date!" my cheeks blushed because, while I respected their opinions, I was already involved with someone and couldn't undo it. I knew I would eventually have to reveal the relationship, but I wanted to explore the other things first.
Like any good book, not all parts of the story need be told in chapter 1. At least that's what I had been thinking when I joined DB. Still -- to those of you who claim it was deceptive anyway, I plead guilty. But my intentions were not to be deceptive.
Now on to some thanks. Everyone was extremely helpful here on DB during my early few weeks, and the information was pretty jarring. I was told not to be a victim. I learned about WAWs and LBHs; I read that WAW testimony that brought me to tears because I could hear my STBXW saying those very words. I learned about the three DB principles and took them to heart; they have been the centerpiece of much of my therapy since last fall and I also have discussed them in depth with Sally. Rose's comment about love languages was also immensely helpful; I had heard about them but not taken them seriously, and now Sally and I talk about them all the time. DB has been immensely helpful for me, and I am eternally grateful to DBers for having been part of that.
OK. Enough said. Happy to dialogue about this further.
