Little Gerda Goes Forward with Courage and Safety

[Gerda]

Well, just in time for the break (so you will all have to say beautiful goodbyes again : ) ) -- got this from H this morning.

Keep in mind these things -- he filed a fraudulent tax return for 2019, as a single head of household with S15 living with him (he hasn't seen S15 in almost two years and is still married), not declaring that he was still half owner of two properties then, not declaring any rental income or mortgage interest. I have begged him and his lawyer and the judge to make him fix it as it meant my return was rejected, I never received a stimulus check, and my refund all got taken for our joint debt to IRS though I am on a payment plan paying every month with no help from H. (My judge of course does not care about this fraudulent return and has not taken any action on my many requests for relief, just keep signing his motions for contempt and not ruling on them.) Keep in mind also that his entire focus for the D, and the reason he won't settle with a buy out payment plan, is getting me to sell our place, which would mean kids and I would have to leave our neighborhood (school, friends, church, neighbors, etc). And finally, that he left me with tens of thousands of marital debt that he refuses to acknowledge and that he has never finished his PhD that would enable him to get a better job, even though I stood back for over ten years while he went to grad school and tried endlessly to finish the PhD, wrote thousands of unintelligible pages which I would periodically edit for him at his request, even after MLC was full throttle, and which he would always reject, saying I didn't understand anything.

And then also that last week D11 went apartment hunting with him (yes, in pandemic) and he told her he signed a year-long lease in a place across town. I was already sick to my stomach that he'd be so close. And that she told him yesterday that on Monday and Tuesday she was going upstate with me.

And finally, that one of the things we disagreed about for some years before BD was that he hated my neighborhood and wanted to live uptown in a neighborhood I don't like. I have lived in my neighborhood since 1997 and love it so much, feel that this is my place, have run three businesses here, know many people here, etc.

Keep all these things in mind as you read this so that you, too, can say, "Wow, MLCers are CRAY to CRAYTH DEGREE." Also that they read the world with Persecution Glasses glued to their nose bridges. And so that you can tattoo on your forearm, "Believe none of what they say and less than half of what they do." And so that you can all at once, on the count of 3, ask the universe for Gerda's release from endless divorce nightmare.

I lose my sublet in (city in four states away that he moved to last summer) on Monday, and on that day I’ll be driving down to live with my parents in (state that is 20 hour drive from here and hotbed of Covid). While I pass through (my city) -- Mon/Tues (possibly Wednesday) -- I’d like to see D11, perhaps for a few hours each day. I know she’s off from school. She knows it may be a while before I see her again, so please make some time for me to see her on those days. You should know that I cannot secure the kind of contract for an apartment that protects me from eviction anywhere until I can both heal my credit and show more income than (his job) pays me... and I am at the maximum-course-load allowed by (his job) -- (names the number he is teaching, which is less than is allowed and less than he has taught in the past). In any case, on those days, I will be looking at short-term sublets in (my actual neighborhood, not even across town) --friends of (names a formerly mutual friend) -- with the long-term intention of permanently residing in (my neighborhood). Whether with you directly or with (his L), I’ll be seeking cooperation from you with the business of putting together an honest / fair image (via our 2020 taxes and other means) of my real income for landlords. While the rents in (my neighborhood) are at an unprecedented low, it’s clearly within in my legal rights to acquire, with your cooperation, the sort of security / lease that I need to secure my life in my own neighborhood and near the kids. Without that cooperation, I may be forced to relocate to (his parents' state) until our court case is finalized. Let me know your thoughts. - H

Note also that he calls it "our court case." He almost never uses the word, "divorce." And remember, I am the defendant! He is the one who filed, almost three years ago now!

Now for those of you who get tempted to engage with your MLCer, my only reply was to tell him the times over the next week that D11 was free. Nothing else, nothing about plans, his other requests, etc. One sentence listing the times she is free. If he writes again about the other stuff, I'll just tell him that we can discuss that with mediator or in court.

[Gerda]

Ah, he already wrote back. I guess he's really on fire today.

First answers about D, then --

[/i] Are you going to agree to assist my process of securing a rental lease -- without which I have no security or legal protection as a renter? It's not possible without proof of actual (versus erroneous) net worth/income.[i]

This is so amazing. He actually believes that it's my fault that he filed a fraudulent tax return?!

Current plan is to ignore this.

[bttrfly]

you do not need to attend every fight you are invited to. xoxoxo carry on.

[DnJ]

Well done Gerda!

[job]

Well done. It's not your responsibility to assist him in getting a place to rent. He's the one that filed for a divorce, left and wants out. He's the one that needs to amend his 2019 taxes and do his 2020 taxes. Again, not your circus. He's a grown man who is working. If he has to go live with in the state where his parents live, then so be it. Let them take care of their man/child. I think they all deserve one another.

I don't see this man doing one thing for you. In fact, he's done everything to make your life a living h2ll on earth. He really is out to lunch.

Stay the course and don't get sucked in with his "poor me" attitude. He really is hoping that playing "the poor me" song will tug at your heart strings. After all he's done, the only thing I would do for him is pray for him. If he's not making enough money, then he can either take on additional work or locate an efficiency apartment and live modestly for a while. He really does remind me of my xh. That "poor me" song was played quite frequently when mine left home too.

[OwnIt]

You know, I find myself with a different suggestion. Gerda has no attorney to punt this off to and wants a resolution of this stressful and draining case with no trial date in sight, and in fact recently tried to get him to go to mediation for that reason.

Taking a common sense approach, I would be more likely to say something like:

Dear Professor (can he really have any other name?):

I would be happy to sit down with you and work out a global settlement of all issues pending between us so that we can both move forward productively. I'm sure you can appreciate that just as you have this issue that you believe requires my cooperation, I too have matters on which I require your cooperation. Let me know when you would like to meet.

Would I help him out without a global resolution (nope). Does it really matter why he is coming forward? Maybe this is a safer feeling approach because he is ready to get it done finally. Not likely, but it is a possibility. Will he do it? Probably not. Would it make Gerda look more reasonable if he files an emergency motion claiming that she is preventing him from meeting basic needs? Obviously Gerda knows her situation and her facts and what she hopes to achieve, and has to decide what is in her best interest.

[Gerda]

DnJ, Job and Own, you are all three right! So helpful! I think I need to see things clearly via DnJ and Job's perspective but take the opening via Own's perspective. Own, I literally cut and pasted what you wrote into my reply. Only changed the end because, if you recall, he wouldn't even allow me to be on the same phone call with the mediator. Haven't hit "send" yet but will do it today. Own, your clients are very lucky to have you!

(Also the "professor" gave me a chuckle. He wants that so bad but I guess he never finished his dissertation all these years later and is stuck as an adjunct forever. It's really so sad, a broken man.)

Thanks for all the support, everyone! XO

[job]

Gerda,

I also posted this message on OwnIt's thread:

Please, please be very careful in suggesting that others on the forum be in contact with you and vice versa off line. When coming to the forum, one of the policies is not to share personal information, which includes contact information. The policies are not mine nor Cadet's, but the policies that Michele set up after we had some issues with people contacting others from the Board off line. I do not want to see you banned from this site because of "hints/suggestions" on how to contact each other off line, especially when you need the forum now more than ever.

[job]

Gerda,

Even though we have User IDs and passwords, that does not mean that this is a safe place to provide "hints/suggestions" as to how to connect the dots to contact/meet each other. All walks of life come here and can read what is posted. Unfortunately, this site is not like others whereby you can determine who sees what and when, like friends or the public. Once something is posted, it becomes public for anyone to see.

If anyone has an issue with the Board policies, I would suggest that you contact Michele and discuss the issue(s) with her staff. I'm very sorry that this particular site does not offer off line access to the posters who come here. I do not want to see anyone put back on moderation for banned for attempting to connect off line.

Just my two cents.

[Gerda]

Hi, Job -- Maybe I remembered this wrong, but my memory is that you suggested the way Grace and I could arrange without violating forum rules. Since that time, I thought that way was allowed. Now that you have clarified, I understand. And am not going to be here anyway for a long time.