I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[sandi2]

I hear your words Sandi, does this mean she is a bad person or is this the reaction to all those feelings of frustration and loneliness she might have experienced? You should have seen her last time we spoke, with her arrogant attitude telling me I had destroyed everything and these were the consequences of my acts. Then saying she had many new friends because she socialized a lot.

IMHO, it's long past a reaction stage. Her actions reflect a desire to see you suffer. These actions have never lessened over the time you've been apart. Without her receiving professional therapy, I don't know that she'll ever try to pull herself out of this pit of bitterness.

Does it mean she's a bad person? All I can say is that she's not the girl you married.

How can I be so worthless in her eyes?

She had some vision of what she thought a MR should be, and when started seeing the other side, she chose to leave instead of giving it another chance. (I don't remember too much being said about how hard she worked to make the MR better.) With the contempt she holds, you will not be able to placate her into seeing you as worthy.
Give it up, let go of the rope, and GAL.

She knows jealousy and fear of the divorce are my weaknesses right now and she does not miss a chance to use them.

I think you know the answer to this ^^^^^^^. She uses your fear as though she is the executioner. You can't change her, b/c this is about her soul/heart...........not you. Do you understand what I'm saying? Stop making this all about you.

Now with the virus you can imagine a lot of people are calling me and asking how I feel. I have not received a single question from W, how sad is this for our kids? They will not have a healthy love model right now. I am only thinking about her voice and her hair and she cannot send me a message asking me how I am doing...

Your problem is still thinking of the two of you as a couple. Try to step back and see her objectively, not as your W. I know you love your children and are concerned about the impact on them. However, I think these feelings of her not checking on you are more about how it makes you feel. And remember, you told her no contact except for kid related......right? Now, if the kids had the virus, that would be another issue, but not checking on you should not be figured into any of this current sitch........other than it shows her lack of concern for you.

One of the things I am trying to change in myself is to be more positive and to become a source of encouragement and happiness.

I understand, Pack. But you can't force happiness on someone who refuses to be responsible for their own happiness. Make sense? No matter how much you want to be a source of happiness to your W, she has the freedom to deny it. This is a fact of life you must accept. You continue to hang on to the idea you can change her mind/feelings, and you can't.

When will that peace come Sandi?

When she is no longer relevant in your perception of who you are currently.

Am I really such a lousy DBer that I need D myself to move on?

Perhaps, but I don't like to identify you as a poor DBer. This sitch has been a painful experience and you feel responsible. You can use this experience as a powerful wake-up to your weaknesses, or you can grieve over the past for the rest of your life. I know you are working hard to improve yourself as an individual man. I also think you are a perfectionist at heart, and you are very hard on yourself when you don't measure up to your own expectations......plus the expectations of others. I know you are very sensitive to the thought of being a failure at anything.

Whats wrong with my pride as a man?

My guess is your fear of failure, loss, and abandonment. You can't see a happy future right now, b/c your fear blinds you.

I feel like I have been played and that is was written that I was going to lose her. At home she said I had to change but she was sure she would never be attracted back to me. Then she told me the only way out was if I agreed with her perception of the M, then she said I hadnt changed and money was still my main worry, then she said if we were ever to R it would be by talking and not seeing a therapist, then she told me I had not changed because I had only accused her or being a bad mother. I never wanted to please her in the sense of transforming myself into something new.

I think this speaks to the nature of your W. Don't be like a trained animal who follows the commands of their owner. You can break free. Haven't you jumped through enough hoops of fire? Just be your own man.

I struggle a lot with the idea that she loves the kids above all but she cannot get herself to open a door to the very father of those children. I honestly thought by now she would have seen more on the reality that our M was. I am going to work on myself and finding the man I can be.

She probably loves her children, but her immaturity and bitter feelings are the motivation behind her actions. You have been cut out of the picture she envisions. She no longer sees the four of you as a family unit. You wanted her to see the value in the M and the possibility of the future. You wanted her to think and feel like you wanted, but she doesn't.

P - Running and biking, find new routines to train my muscles. Keep up the good looks and the clothes. Practice my sexual kung fu
I - Promote to L6 at work, get new certifications and continue to read about NMMNG, attraction and how women interact with men.
E - Listen actively to anyone, develop empathy. NC towards W and respect her decision to not start something new. Read DR again, for my own peace. DETACH
S - Be optimistic about my future, accept I cannot control my way out of this.

Good goals!