WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont7.)

[SteveLW]

I read coaches comments and will leave here for reference:

"Now you are smothering me. The only thing I can think of is that I need time and space and I HOPE that my feeling will change in a few months. I want them to, but I can't help what I feel".
What's next?

Go sentence by sentence, she is telling you exactly what she wants - it is how she feels. A man wants to fix this by explaining her feelings to her and why she should just feel another way (invalidating).
So how does a man change how his woman feels?
Answer- Give her what she wants. Agree with her.
Stop smothering her, give her space and time, her feelings are her feelings - let her know you understand it's OK she feels that way. She wants the "feeling" back - she wants to be attracted to you.

Right now the hardest part of my day is from about 5:30am-7am. I wake up and just spin on the failed marriage. I probably need to just get up and go do something at that time to get my mind off of it.

Also, hearing about coach re-attracting his X, I've thought about that a lot. My X was toxic to me. All my relationships in life are improving with her being gone. I'm dramatically more free and worry less about a lot of things. She did not bring out the best in me or support me. And with all that said I just can't understand this wanting I have to get things back when I know it was bad. Its and interesting ride, and a daily one.

I'm also worried about work. I just have not been able to get focused. Maybe this is just how this is at this time in my life, but I am really struggling to get and stay engaged at the office.

I can relate, though my spinning time was more 2-5am. Laying there spinning is horrible, no doubt about it. If mine had been later, then yes, I would have planned to get up and go do something productive. In my case, I did get up sometimes, unfortunately I did something usually very counterproductive...like snooping on her desktop (unti she got wise to me and started logging out!). So the key is to feel the emotions you are feeling, but not allowing them to make you do something that is going to hurt you, not help you. One of the big ones is writing long, heart felt emails/letters, even texts to the WAS. So yes, get up and do something...productive. Workout. Get something done for work that was pressing, etc. Being productive is the key.

However, the reattracting back your ex is tricky. Others here have used this quote: "You never look more attractive than when you are walking away." Another anti-D expert I read in my sitch put it this way. She was talking to a woman that had left her husband, moved into her own place, was coparenting with her LBH, but was carrying on a secret affair with another man that was the basis for her moving out, etc. The expert warned this woman, "right now you think you are in love with the OM, and that you are moving on from your H. You may even go through with the D, and move in with OM or even marry OM. However, at some point you will look back and realize that your H and MR wasn't so bad and that you made a mistake. This usually coincides with your ex-H moving on with another woman. Suddenly you will ask yourself why you did what you did!" This is why LH quotes me as having said that eventually, if you both live long enough, she will eventually regret her decision to leave you. And usually at that point the WAS will try to come back. It could be 6 months, it could be 60 years. So it isn't something you should be waiting on.

Sorry, I rambled there a bit, but the point is the best way to attract your ex back is to NOT try to attract her back. We recommend things like working out, updating your wardrobe and dressing better, improve your behaviors (we've had LBSs that were addicted to video gaming for instance, stopping that behavior), if you have bad hygiene/grooming then improve those. You do not do these things to attract your ex back, you do them to become a better person all around and to be more attractive in general! If you do it just to reattract her she will smell a rat at 100 yards. So do it for YOU not her.

I was a highly rated employee, top of the class every year. During my sitch my job performance plummeted. I had just taken a promotion into a new role right in the middle of my sitch. I got off to such a bad start that I got my worst review in years. My manager told me "This would have been an even worse review but mid-year you turned it around and now are performing at top levels." I have been highly reviewed the last two years as a result. It is hard to concentrate when you are so distracted with the failed marriage taking up so much head space.

But this all tells me that you are no where near ready to start looking to date (I believe you've said in the past that you were tempted.) Earn your way into a new relationship by working through the emotional baggage of this one. I truly believe the only way you can do that is through good, thorough and WEEKLY (minimum) IC. And to focus on yourself and your kids. In other words, keep moving forward!