I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[SteveLW]

3. I would avoid dating and having sex with OW. For me, it would be until I was in a new MR with someone new, but for those with a different worldview, I would say avoid it until you have worked through all of the emotional baggage related to your WAW.

I cannot put myself together for this. I find myself wanting to give my W all the hugs, kisses, intimate moments, dates and all that I did not do when I was so stressed and miserable at home. I miss her smile, her voice, hugging her in bed and her hair all around my face. I know after all she has done I am very pathetic but that is just how I feel and my heart is still with her even when she only wants to hurt me.

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Pack, I understand that very much. However, think about it this way. What if your W were to die, suddenly, instead of BDing. In other words, she was physically gone and you no longer had the possibility of hugs, kisses, intimate moments, dates. Her smile, voice, hugging in her bed and her hair all around your face, all would be gone with no possibility of return. The emotions we feel when a spouse leaves us is very similar to the same emotions if they were to die. But the way forward is the same! Learning to miss those things, be sad that they are gone forever, but moving forward with a focus on ourselves, to deal with the emotional baggage that we might have at our spouse's loss, and getting ourselves to a place where (especially since you are so young!) where you could move on healthy and happy with someone new. That is the point of avoiding dating and having sex until you are fully able to deal with the emotional baggage. Otherwise you will be using it as a way to mask your pain (unhealthy and unhappy), and you will be treating another individual unfairly because you won't be fully available to them emotionally. Lots of LBSs have tried to shortcut that to disastrous consequences. (There are a few examples on this board right now!)

So that is what I mean. There will come a time when you are emotionally ready to venture back into dating, but you aren't there yet. Keep working on you and you will get there.