I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[Pack_19]

I have known people like your W who refuse to forgive, put away her anger, and to move forward. It's a fault within themselves. Even if she should marry another man, there will be a part of her that is left with bitterness, and it will, more than likely, affect her other relationships. At first, she'll try to make her new man sound as if he's everything you could not be. (That's just another sign she wants to throw it in your face to hurt you.) It's her vindictive desire to hurt you. Eventually, she'll adapt a negative attitude that all men are alike, meaning they are no good.

Is it your fault that she's filled with vindictiveness? No! Why? B/c every individual has free volition over their behavior. We choose how to act, how to respond, and how to treat other people. Rather than taking responsibility for herself, she has decided to put all her unhappiness on you and make you responsible. Therefore, she walks around feeling justified b/c she can say it's all your fault. In other words, she thinks she gets off free to say & do whatever she wants without any accountability, by blaming you for the past. This attitude carries over to her having OM.

I hear your words Sandi, does this mean she is a bad person or is this the reaction to all those feelings of frustration and loneliness she might have experienced? You should have seen her last time we spoke, with her arrogant attitude telling me I had destroyed everything and these were the consequences of my acts. Then saying she had many new friends because she socialized a lot. How can I be so worthless in her eyes? She knows jealousy and fear of the divorce are my weaknesses right now and she does not miss a chance to use them. As I said above, it is time to find myself again, there is nothing I can do to change her.

I do think there are some couples who cause more pain for the children by living together. If there is one parent who can't be loving and nurturing to the MR, and the children observe the animosity .........how will it influence their development, and their relationships in the future? I feel this situation with your W was so unnecessary, and could have been resolved if she would allow her hard heart to soften. But she has chosen to keep a hard heart and let old wounds fester.

Thanks for the validation Sandi, I have always thought we could easily start something new but now I just look back in time and I think how on earth have we never done anything with the kids or talked on the phone? Did I really pressure that much? there have been times like summer where I totally left her alone to her life and fun. Now with the virus you can imagine a lot of people are calling me and asking how I feel. I have not received a single question from W, how sad is this for our kids? They will not have a healthy love model right now. I am only thinking about her voice and her hair and she cannot send me a message asking me how I am doing...

Learn from the experiences, and don't repeat the same mistakes.

This is written with fire in my head. Thanks a lot Sandi

I encourage you to speak to your therapist about learning how to manage your negative thought patterns. For example, you said you "know" not having a second chance will haunt you in the future. It doesn't have to haunt you, Pack. You are setting yourself up by making these type of proclamations. Yes, you may always have regrets over the MR, but it doesn't have to haunt you every day until you die. You can learn how to process and manage your emotional pain, just like physical pain. I've never had cognitive behavior therapy, but the board has had members who did, and had very positive results. I honestly believe your entire life would blossom if you could change the way you think about some of these issues. (((hugs)))

One of the things I am trying to change in myself is to be more positive and to become a source of encouragement and happiness. As part of this, I want to overcome those thoughts about the past I sometimes have. We have shared so many things Sandi, we traveled the UK by car when we were saving not too much monthly and when S7 was 2-3, we have lived in four different houses, she got her driving license in the UK, we have furnished our home, made good friends, she did an online masters and I got my courses to work where I do now. We moved to Germany, traveled there and across to Austria, she gave birth to S2, we had to learn German, we lived through the snow in winter and went to the lakes in summer. We had an aupair home, she found her first job, we bought a flat... why does she want to convince me all was bad and sad? She can leave and humiliate me but I will not let her speak ill of our M. It is too valuable for me.

And that's all you could do! No matter how sorrowful you feel about not getting a second chance, you can have peace knowing you tried your best. You have to claim peace, instead of claiming you'll be haunted.

When will that peace come Sandi? Am I really such a lousy DBer that I need D myself to move on? Whats wrong with my pride as a man?

I actually have a lot of hope for you, Pack. Now, when I make that statement.......where does your mind take you? Am I talking about hope for the M? Am I talking about hope for Pack's happiness and peace of mind? What do you think? When you first joined the board, you linked all future happiness to reconciliation of your MR. However, I think you are beginning to grow and can see farther. The need to save your M can blind a person to an extent. Like you, for instance, couldn't or wouldn't process what we told you, b/c all you saw was winning back your W. When that didn't happen, you blamed yourself. Yes, you made some mistakes, like most every LBH. Do I think those mistakes is why reconciliation never came? We'll never know, but just my intuition says your W believed you were the one who should make changes to please her. .......(which was never going to be good enough). You bought into the same mentality and believed you could make changes that would win her back. In the meantime, nothing you did satisfied her, b/c she had hardened her heart too much. What am I saying? It's all on her, now. There has been no reconciliation b/c of her. You tried for a second chance and she was having none of it. You can't make someone love you when they have a closed heart.

I know you mean for me as an individual. I feel like I have been played and that is was written that I was going to lose her. At home she said I had to change but she was sure she would never be attracted back to me. Then she told me the only way out was if I agreed with her perception of the M, then she said I hadnt changed and money was still my main worry, then she said if we were ever to R it would be by talking and not seeing a therapist, then she told me I had not changed because I had only accused her or being a bad mother. I never wanted to please her in the sense of transforming myself into something new. I thought she was on fire, she needed peace and quiet and I offered her support expecting that once calmed she would see the value in our M and family. Some of the changes I did thinking of her, surprise her with better sex, better conversation, better understanding when she comes back. Some others like the passion for sports or the promo at work were for me from the very beginning.

I struggle a lot with the idea that she loves the kids above all but she cannot get herself to open a door to the very father of those children. I honestly thought by now she would have seen more on the reality that our M was. I am going to work on myself and finding the man I can be.


P - Running and biking, find new routines to train my muscles. Keep up the good looks and the clothes. Practice my sexual kung fu
I - Promote to L6 at work, get new certifications and continue to read about NMMNG, attraction and how women interact with men.
E - Listen actively to anyone, develop empathy. NC towards W and respect her decision to not start something new. Read DR again, for my own peace. DETACH
S - Be optimistic about my future, accept I cannot control my way out of this.


thanks Sandi!