Help.

[sandi2]

I have some things that happened to me early on as a kid that have now surfaced as part of the things that were guiding my actions.

Thank you for answering painful questions. I expected that it was something that influenced you when you were young. I think everyone develops healthy or unhealthy mental attitudes based on their experiences and/or influences during childhood.

I especially appreciate your frank honesty about the fear of commanding respecting. I think this is why enforcing boundaries are difficult for people who share this fear. IMHO, they usually imagine some type of very uncomfortable confrontation, maybe even violence as a consequence to disrespect, or they see themselves being punished in the end. I've had people ask me how to know if they are being disrespected, especially by their spouse. Do you recognize signs of disrespect, or have you become so passive and avoidant that disrespect has become the norm in everyday life.......especially at your own residential address?

Jhopeful, I encourage you to continue your progress with your IC. You have revealed the basic issue we often see in LBS's, IMHO. I have made the statement before that LBS's and wayward spouses have totally opposite mental attitudes.......even before the wayward mindset begins. To boil it down, it's like the WS knows in their heart they are wrong, but more importantly to this subject is that they KNOW they would have never tolerated the same behavior from their LBS. It's as if they are saying, "I show disrespect toward you, and you take it...... but I won't allow you to disrespect me". What do you think about this?

Have you ever took time to list the most important things you need in order to determine your self value? I probably didn't word that sentence very well, but hopefully, you know what I mean. Do you have this fear of commanding respect from other people outside your family, like coworkers, friends, neighbors, etc. What are the things you will not tolerate from others? Anything? You can't set boundaries, unless you know what it takes to protect your self respect.

If you did not fear losing connection with that person, what would change about Jhopeful? Do you have a mental image of that version of yourself?

I have to wonder if some things you may think is your W's insecurities or hang-ups, are really more about your own. I've seen a lot of newcomer nice-guys make reference to their W's abandonment issues. These nice-guys are overly concerned about how their WW will see his new approach or stance as being cold, unkind, impolite, etc. No offense intended when I say I think it's more about his own NGS and insecurities (abandonment, etc.). He is afraid, and the fear is driving his actions (or lack thereof). I dare say that this fear is constantly driving him in everything in life.

Currently, you have to think/work through these issues and decide if you want to change anything about yourself. Don't make any grand pronouncements or sudden move without discussing it here or with your IC. Okay? Since you have shown willingness to dig deep, I think you have a good chance in developing a healthier mental attitude. lt may or may not save the MR, but I think it will definitely save you and give you a happier future. It may be with your current W, or not. Right now, your focus needs to be Jhopeful, the man. You can't save anything, before you save yourself.

(((hugs)))

P.S. Keep posting.