I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[Pack_19]

Hi all,

Sorry I have not replied earlier. I tested positive for covid yesterday and I have had a couple of days with fever. I am in lockdown at home and thank God I did not see my parents except for a walk on the park with the kids. S7 and S2 are with W for 10 days at home and thanks to Pack all of them are getting a PCR test. I am still freaking out on how random this is, I was always proud that my life was between my desk at home and the exercise outdoors. I am a bit concern it might affect how good I was feeling physically but I have had not major symptoms.

I have been thinking a lot on how to face all that is happening and the attitude W has taken about our M and past. I think I need to find myself again and aside from all this desperation and fear I am suffering. The sad thing is that deep in my heart I still think that R would be the best for us four and my head keeps pushing me to fight when I know I should just leave her alone and rebuild myself as a man to 100%.

1. Get into IC. IC is supremely important. It is something I refused to do for years. But when I finally did it, it paid huge dividends in getting me to recognize my lack of empathy, my selfishness, and my bad view of Rs that led me to behave in ways that pushed her away. The beauty of all of that was that these were improvements that would have made me a better person (and spouse) whether she stayed or left! (This includes reading books, and watching self-help videos online! Sometimes those were even prescribed by the IC.)

I am in IC and it has helped me identify many communication and empathy issues but beyond that my IC seems to be focused on making me happy with the idea that W is free to leave me even if she loved me more than anything so I need to be able to live with that and move on. She has also worked with me on many conflict issues and my doubts on striking a balance between my career and the time I spent with my loved ones (majorly the kids).

2. Commit to GAL. I am a huge believer in GAL and I think if more LBSs were better at it then they would be able to move forward in their sitches, regardless of eventual outcome. So many do GAL poorly and get stuck.

The situation is not helping me here. I am stuck at home even for work and W has been going to a new office with new colleagues consistently since she moved back here. I have all the time I spend at sports and with my self improvement books but I am lacking a lot on the social life. I need to think about GAL activities that involve time out with new friends.

3. I would avoid dating and having sex with OW. For me, it would be until I was in a new MR with someone new, but for those with a different worldview, I would say avoid it until you have worked through all of the emotional baggage related to your WAW.

I cannot put myself together for this. I find myself wanting to give my W all the hugs, kisses, intimate moments, dates and all that I did not do when I was so stressed and miserable at home. I miss her smile, her voice, hugging her in bed and her hair all around my face. I know after all she has done I am very pathetic but that is just how I feel and my heart is still with her even when she only wants to hurt me.

4. I would choose an end date. A drop dead date. A date that I could say "I gave it my all for X amount of time, and she has done nothing to suggest she is even remotely interested in recommitting back to marriage." For me it was 1 year post BD. But it could be whatever you can live with. 2 years, 5 years, 10 years? It just depends on how patient you are and want to be. But I can tell you, having an end date, for me, was so freeing!

I have that, I have already talked to my L and I have a date on which either something has changed on her side or I will force myself to close the door and erase all the memories that are now pushing me to remain strong.

5. Realize that you will be ok, post D! This is where this forum really came through for me! I got here desperate to save my MR. But the more I embraced my potential fate, and actually started to get excited about it, the better I got at the other aspects of DBing! My mistakes became fewer and farther between. When I consulted with a D lawyer the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders! The more I realized that I was going to be not just fine, but that I was going to flourish post D, the more empowered I felt! This is why I have such a deep admiration for folks like AS, R2C, and LH, because they are out living their best lives and flourishing post D. What inspirations! (There are others too!)

This is something I subconsciously decided the first day I came here and read stories of others. I decided that there were things to change and that I was going to change them to be better off with or without W. I am currently very desperate to change all that is happening and start something new with W but it is just not going to happen and I am struggling so much to accept that...

So since you asked, looking back, this was my pattern. There were lots of starts and stops, so I do not want to give you the impression that I was perfect. You will see one area I really struggled was in snooping. I got better over time, but those first 6-8 weeks post BD I was really bad about snooping on her. I also credit this forum for helping past that obsession (and it was an obsession for me!).

Pack, you are going to be awesome moving forward! No doubt about that.

I talked to W yesterday for the kids and their test. She asked me how I was feeling and I said I was fine despite having some pain and cough. Somehow I thought maybe she would ask me today how I was doing. Obviously that has not happened, she told me last time we exchanged the kids she has answered me all questions about our R and she is not going to say anything new and that is how she feels now. I cannot imagine the mixture of bad feelings she has for me now, I expected more of the person I married to. I expected her to miss me, to talk to me during the separation, to have doubts, to want to spend family time together...

I dont know if she will ever realize the damage she is causing but I expected more from my W. Maybe she felt the same way about me when we were together and I let intimacy go down the drain and now she cannot fight for me because she does not value me at all. I need to leave, for good, and find myself as a man. I am too weak and clingy to be attractive.

Thanks for your help Steve, I can also be a (younger) man of integrity. You always help me, please continue to post!

((hugs)) Pack