[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

A few thoughts occur:

This way he will know what it is to take care of 3 teenagers. - Probably not. He will be with them for a week, the level of care is questionable.

I actually do want him to be with the children for a whole week. - Noble sentiment. But asking why? Dad isn’t Dad right now. Are you wanting it for the kids sake, your sake, to show him a lesson, or to promote a relationship with his children? He should want to be with the kids - and more than for a week. It is not your job to facilitate the relationship between H and the children. It is just your job not to destroy it.

If I say now he can't stay over then I'm not firm in my decision taking towards him. - Boundaries can and need to change as situations change and evolve. Boundaries are for you. They protect you. They demonstrate how people are to treat you. Boundaries are a clear premeditated action towards a disrespectful behaviour from someone. They are not a reaction.

This was a firm boundary I made and don't want to change this now. - That’s ok. Asking yourself why every now and then ensures the situation still warrants a boundary or action and allows you to alter your action to suit the evolving situation. Things have evolved since your trip, ensure your actions is still warranted and suitable.

1st difficulty: H always wants to stay in the house when he comes over. His view is that it is also his house and I can't refuse him to sleep here, in the spare bedroom of course. - This is somewhat true. At the moment, yes it is his house as well. Unless you have a restraining order or such, refusing him access is not legally enforceable. It is good that he knows that he is to sleep in the spare room. If you were there and basically going to a different room every time he spoke meanly or disrespectfully, I suspect his “wants to stay in the house” would lessen. What would things be like if he didn’t want to stay there? If he wanted to stay somewhere else?

2nd difficulty: I made a clear boundary that if he was coming over to the house, I would not be here. Since he wanted a divorce, we will not be living under one roof anymore. - This particular action to H’s behaviour troubles me. Boundaries are for you to take control during a disrespectful situation against you. Boundaries are your actions when <blank> happens. They shouldn’t greatly affect your life and what you are doing. For example, H when you come in the living room and start swearing at me it’s demeaning and hurtful, and I will leave the room. So, you go to another room and continue to do the reading your book or whatever you were doing (more or less).

However, you leaving the house is a pretty big change. Basically H controls you by him coming over. Now, if you were like, Hey, a week visit with the kids. Great! I’m going on a vacation, see you next Friday. That would be something wouldn’t it?

I’d consider staying in the house. Why should you change just because H “wants” to come over? You look to be reacting to future confrontations from H, over the drama he will most likely bring up. That is understandable. You aren’t looking for a fight. However, boundaries are enacted when the event occurs not because it might occur.

The boundary upon living under the same roof when he wants a divorce, I do see it. If you need to leave, by all means do so. It is usually not a good nor recommended idea to leave or live elsewhere during separation. In a trail where one can state that they never, at any time, lived anywhere else but in their house carries some weight. Of course, this is just a week away, you didn’t move out like H. It’s more like a vacation. I would treat it more like a vacation than a boundary.

Maybe you just need a vacation. Of course, your kids might want come along then.


With OW1 you had him leave the house, even bought sheets and pillow cases, and he finally did get the hint and left. Then a while later without OW1 in the picture he returned. Things got troubled and he left again and now has been visiting every 4-6 weeks. This current agreement is what he is working upon. This agreement was made when you didn’t know about OW2, or she wasn’t involved yet. The situation has changed. Therefore the agreement probably should change.

I do see and understand your thoughts regarding being under the same roof. What I am looking out for is you and your kids. You guys are the important folks in all of this. I’ve asked several questions and suspect you will either strengthen your resolve or to relax it a bit. There is no right answer in all of this by the way. You know best the situation you are living. And I support you!

D