1) So, I'm curious. If you were to describe the actions of a strong man in a sitch such as yours, how would he look to you? Would you see him as a man of who commands respect? Do you see him being a harsh disciplinarian? Do you see strength as unkind or impolite? Do you see detaching as acting mad and/or cold? These are areas you seem to be resisting, so let's talk about what your mind sees when you think of a strong man.
>>>----a lot came out in therapy yesterday and this support helped it all surface. My masculine side is not fully on board - I've done a lot of work around it over the past 17 years however it didn't go deep enough. Yesterday that all became apparent. "Commanding respect" scares me in the sense where I fear the loss of connection as a result. I know I need to heal this and cultivate a healthier sense of power in that regard. It's 100% clear. I have some things that happened to me early on as a kid that have now surfaced as part of the things that were guiding my actions. Truth: I'm realizing through this situation that have a lot of self-loathing and destructive hurtful internal conversations about myself with myself.
2) Why does it bother you so much at the thought of not responding to your WW in your usual manner? Like, why does it bother you if you don't reply to every single photo she sends, or her text that has no question? Why does it bother you if I suggest you need to use less words when texting her? Why do you see it as being cold or impolite? Don't say it's b/c you love her. You've got to get down in the raw meat about who you are as a man. IMHO, if you will dig deep and answer these two questions very honestly, I think we might start getting somewhere.
>>>------ I fear loss of connection and messing things up. I feel like kindness was a tenant of our relationship and that coldness will push her away and it will be perceived as more of me abandoning her (which I did and was painful for her). I think @Steve85 gave me some clarity around this in his above comment. My therapist also said the same thing.
3) IMHO, if you will dig deep and answer these two questions very honestly, I think we might start getting somewhere.
>>>>------Yes, I 100% agree. I have some long overdue patterns, addictions and beliefs that I am finally looking at. I can't do this work for her, I need to do it for me and realize that this is much much bigger than whether or not we reconcile - and I'm starting to see that and feel it more. I still get confused about where to put my love and hope for her.....
