So here's the latest and greatest. Things for the most part have been good, in that we've settled into a routine and are figuring out what that looks like with the apt/nesting situation. Even with that schedule we've often ended up staying together at home. For example yesterday I realized I left my meds at the house so stopped by to get them, we ended up talking for a while and she invited me to stay. When we do stay together, we often have sex, she has no problems being naked in front of me (almost the opposite), and we sleep in each others arms. In talking with my IC she thinks things are good between us because we've taken the "other" stuff out of the equation and are just focusing on us when we're together - not kids, house, jobs, etc. So just as if we were dating or something. In our conversation yesterday it sounds like whatever was happening with OM is over and she was the one who ended it. She isn't active on the dating sites, but hasn't left them either. She mentioned all the positive changes she's seen in me and the work I've put in on myself but she doesn't see the work being put in towards being more emotionally available and vulnerable with her. I told her again that I have a very hard time doing that with the current situation. I explained that when I have made myself open and vulnerable, it was like I was throwing a ball over the fence to her and she would catch it and say "thanks! I appreciate that!" and put the ball in her pocket instead of throwing it back. And as long as she's not gonna throw the ball back, I'm not gonna want to keep throwing them to her. She agreed and said - "at least I'm catching the ball now and keeping it, rather than just letting it land on the ground and leaving it."
It's like we're at an impasse. She wants to see me being emotionally available to her and is scared to do the same because she's done it in the past and I didn't reciprocate. I don't feel like I can open up to her like that as long as she's still on the dating sites and not being open back to me. Essentially, neither of us trusts each other. And that's a bitch.
