Quick outline for H's who have been BD'd by WW

[SteveLW]

I have a question that I don't believe has been asked here.

Shortly after BD, WW told me I should start dating and that she hopes I'll find happiness with someone else. This was definitely not what I wanted to do. I wanted to save the marriage,

Do WWs say this to make themselves feel better about what they are doing?

For the WW to tell the LBH that he should date, is like giving a hurt kid some toy to distract him from his pain.

Some will tell the LBH to date, as a way of convincing him that she's really over the M and won't consider reconciliation, and she wants to move on. In other words, it's a way to get LBH off her back. Some WW's think if the LBH dates, it will take some of the pressure off her reputation as the bad guy that tore up the family. Yes, I suppose there are a few WW's who feel some degree of guilt and see the LBH dating as a way of releasing that guilt.

Here's the thing, I don't think most WW's feel the degree of guilt that you would assume she'd have. B/c you are thinking from a logical & moral point of reference, and people who lie, betray, deceive, cheat, and tear apart families should be eaten up with guilt. Right? Feeling guilt is pretty shallow while she's in the affair. She doesn't feel shame. It's not regret. It's not remorse. And if she feels any of these, it's to a low degree. Remember, her heart has hardened and she is not the girl she once was (in most cases). She feels justified, b/c it's time for "her happiness". How can you feel guilt and justification at the same time? Another thing to consider is the drug-like excitement she gets from the "forbidden" love affair. It's strong enough to smother her previous code of conduct, morals, religious teachings, family values, etc.

There are different levels or depths of waywardness........b/c every person is not exactly alike. Although the stories we read here sound somewhat similar and the behavior of the WW often sound as if they have read the same playbook...... the individual woman with her baggage of negativity; resentment and disrespect for her H; her background; family of origin; and her personality traits can influence the depths she will go when acting out in rebellion. If anger/rage is a big part of her rebellion, then she's going to be mean, and do spiteful and outrageous things to hurt the LBH. On the other hand, I feel there are many WW's who don't set out to see how badly they can hurt their LBH. That's not their goal or focus. They don't have an affair just to hurt the LBH. (That's getting into another area or depth, which is more about vengeance.) Of course, there are some WW's that become focused on making their H's life miserable, but often, there are other factors in her personality or the sitch that's leading them. For the usual or common WW, it's all about her fantasy.

So, will she ever feel remorse for what she's done? I believe when reality slaps her in the face and the fantasy collapses, her eyes will open. I won't say that remorse hits every single WW, b/c they have to feel deep regret and sorrow for the pain they inflicted on their loved ones.......most of all, their LBH. Some WW's are just too hardened and too stubborn to be humbled.

I hope this post doesn't sound like a word salad.

Excellent insight as always.

I also want to point out that some times the WW will suggest the LBH start dating as a way to take the "heat" off of them and what they are doing. I know my WW even made comments like "this would be so much easier if you had cheated on me". Their point is "if you are/were unfaithful, then it would justify what I am doing". In a way this is a bit of a trap set up by the WW. They can get you to do what they are doing then they can point at you and say "You are doing the same thing!" I've actually witnessed this, where a couple going through a D because the WW cheated and wants to leave for the AP, acts indignant when the LBH suddenly has a new suitor in the way of another woman. I've told the story of our close friends that went through something similar, and Larry (named changed) ended up befriending a divorced woman at his church. When Melissa heard about this she was livid, never mind that she already had wedding plans with her AP! When Larry collapsed and went into a diabetic coma (he was a T1 diabetic) Melissa went to the hospital and when she found this other woman in Larry's room she assaulted her!