Eagle, I'm not so sure about that. But I am trying my best to focus on myself, detach and take one day at a time. Not much has occurred the last few days. H is living elsewhere and I've not reached out to him, but he has reached out to me once each day. Once was unnecessary, and once was about our son and his upcoming visit. I've been really sad. With the pandemic we were together so much, and now I feel his absence heavily. I'm trying to be strong and embrace the feelings so I can move through them while continuing self-care.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I agree with Eagle, as far as your handling of the situation. I understand you struggle with your feelings, but that is part of the process. The key, that you seem to have a handle on, is separating those feelings from your actions! IE, not letting your feelings tell you how to act. For instance, many LBSs struggle with missing their WAS, so they allow that to cause them to reach out to their WAS when they should be remaining NC. Or causes them to be overly accessible to their WAS when their WAS reaches out to try to keep the LBS attached.
From what you are telling us, you seem to be separating those emotions from your actions. That is the key. And why Eagle says you seem to be 'handling' your situation well.
We all take rides on the emotional rollercoaster. The key is to keep DBing through the ups and downs.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I agree with Steve and Eagle-- you're doing amazingly well. It would be strange *not* to feel down and emotional about what is happening-- it is enormously difficult. I've read that only the death of a spouse is harder to handle than what you're going through right now. But I have every ounce of faith you'll get through this. You're on the right path. You're driving the bus, not your emotions. (And I do think it is important to let yourself feel those emotions, even as you separate them from your actions. They are valid and you deserve to have them. Maybe use the time alone to give yourself a little wallowing time, express your anger and your grief in a safe and healthy way, so that you can be strong when your S comes back to your house?)
I was thinking (I know I have a lot of threads) but the time frame that is probably the most relevant to where you are right now is last year December-Feb and then again June-July. If that is helpful to you at all. Probably the most helpful part is that I was fortunate to have some incredible posters and so you can see all of their advice to me. (Also my H was/is a talker so there may be some windows there into what is going on in the WH's head.)
This particularly is great, I think:
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I definitely feel like a work in progress, but I know I am strong and will grow from this experience regardless. I do feel like I lost myself over the last few years, so even though I am sad, confused, and all from the turn my life has taken it has reminded me to focus on the things that are important to me again, and return a bit to putting myself first again. At least that is a goal!
All of this is so healthy and you WILL grow from this experience. Stay strong. It will get easier. HUGS.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thanks everyone. I've been spending a lot of time reading your story May and catching up on your sitch. Not much had been happening with mine the last few days...
But today, I'm freaking out. I was just googling my Hs name and that of his mistress and found that they started a llc together two months ago. He had also drained one of our investment accounts. I have a post-nuptial agreement based on that I have wanted to ask him to sign...but hadn't had the chance this week. Now I found this! I'm freaking out. I have no idea how someone you love can do such things. I have reached out to my L and am waiting to talk to him. I feel I will need to initiate divorce process even though it isn't what I wanted. I'm so sad and angry. I'm in shock. It's like a second BD. I'm so confused. And scared. A divorce could affect my job situation too.
Reading your sitch May, I realize how wonderful all of you are on this forum. The feedback and support from all of you is so amazing. I'm learning so much...and I'm so grateful. Please send some positive vibes my way today...I need the hugs.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
And document everything. You did the right thing in calling your L. Are they experienced in these kinds of situations? Or just regular non-nutty Ds? You might spend some time on the MLC forum-- Gerda's situation comes to mind-- these MLC-ers will do things that are absolutely beyond the capacity of a normal human being to understand.
It may be time to buckle up and protect yourself. That may be separate from standing-- your M1.0 is dead now, a business deal gone wrong. Work on extracting yourself as safely and cleanly as you possibly can while remaining there for your stepchildren. That doesn't mean that there isn't a chance for M2.0 down the line. But right now, you need to protect yourself financially. Unfortunately, you may be only seeing the tip of the iceberg right now.
You can do this, Elbereth. It $ucks and isn't fair and makes no sense and all the rest. You've done such a great job of detaching your actions from your emotions... just keep moving forward.
(((Elbereth)))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
My L is not a D lawyer, but a lawyer referral from family. I may need to get a D lawyer and expect it to get ugly as I'm sure he's probably hiding more. I am in shock. I just don't know how someone can be so different from what they were. And I've done a lot for my H. Been there through some really tough "stuff" with him. And I've been so good for the kids. How can someone do this to someone who's been that loyal and not feel anything? I'm just blown away. I feel so bad for the OW spouse too. He probably has no idea. I feel so hopeless even thinking about reconciliation. At this point it's completely off the table.
I so hoped to just coast for a bit until S18 is off to school. Now, I think I need to move forward full steam, even if it means moving, etc. I've already gathered some documentation, but not really sure what all is needed in my situation.
I'll look up Gerda's sitch, I think I've seen pieces of it from before I joined this forum. Feeling so overwhelmed... One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I know, it is so crazy that he is doing this. But as hard as it is to believe, he *is* and you just need to take it from there. One day, one step at a time. You have already shown yourself to be incredibly strong. You can do this.
Some additional advice I gleaned from the boards that might help:
-- set up consultations with the top three D lawyers in your town. Once they've consulted with you (normally a free hour on the phone or something) they can't represent your H due to conflict of interest, so you'll have your pick of the top Ls and he won't have access to any of them.
-- with him starting to clean out accounts, you need to immediately (if you haven't already) set up your own accounts where he does not have access and be sure your paychecks, etc. go there. I'd cancel joint credit card accounts. Some folks recommend moving half of your assets to an account he can't get into. I don't know about all of this but you should at least speak to an L and look into what is best for you right now, given his behavior.
-- in my state, if your H runs away and spends $$ on his "special friend" (as one of the Ls I spoke to called it) the judge will usually put those expenses exclusively on him. Debts run up in the same way can go to his side of the ledger. Document it all. Do you have a good handle on your entire financial situation? If you don't, that might be a decent way to spend the weekend while you wait for an appointment with an L.
I know you wanted to be able to provide stability for your stepson with all of this plus COVID and his senior year. Hopefully there are still ways you can communicate to him that you're always going to be there for him, will always be his family, he'll always have a home with you, etc. even as you go through this. (you might ask WF's advice specifically about this as she was really concerned about her teenage stepdaughter through her whole sitch too).
I'm so, so sorry this is happening. Stay strong.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Some additional advice I gleaned from the boards that might help:
-- set up consultations with the top three D lawyers in your town. Once they've consulted with you (normally a free hour on the phone or something) they can't represent your H due to conflict of interest, so you'll have your pick of the top Ls and he won't have access to any of them.
-- with him starting to clean out accounts, you need to immediately (if you haven't already) set up your own accounts where he does not have access and be sure your paychecks, etc. go there. I'd cancel joint credit card accounts. Some folks recommend moving half of your assets to an account he can't get into. I don't know about all of this but you should at least speak to an L and look into what is best for you right now, given his behavior.
-- in my state, if your H runs away and spends $$ on his "special friend" (as one of the Ls I spoke to called it) the judge will usually put those expenses exclusively on him. Debts run up in the same way can go to his side of the ledger. Document it all. Do you have a good handle on your entire financial situation? If you don't, that might be a decent way to spend the weekend while you wait for an appointment with an L.
I am fairly sure he started an online 'easy' process, as I saw documents and a billing issue, but he hasn't served me. My L did tell me to move what funds I could and I did. He didn't tell me to remove myself from joint cards, and not sure how to do that if I'm also managing the home expenses, and paying for food, etc. for the kids...his kids. All the bills and such come from joint account. As or the 'special friend' in my state it's no fault so the post-nuptial agreement was supposed to help with that issue...if I can even get him to sign. As for the rest, considering this isn't our first D rodeo and crazy XW, there is not a lot to share...some retirement, some assets. Not a lot of funds just sitting around. I don't know if that is good or bad.
He stopped by earlier and it took all my strength not to put a fork in his eye, I'm so angry and confused. But I acted normal. He didn't even notice I had been crying...he's so not engaged. I have a decent handle on the financial situation, but not sure of some recent changes on his end. But I've gathered what I can. Still waiting for my L to call me back, and good idea about interviewing with others in the area. I am looking for referrals now.
May, you and I are a lot alike, I can tell from reading your sitch. One thing in my favor is I have patience and I am detail oriented and he isn't, so I expect that he will feel overwhelmed by the upcoming process more than I will. My spreadsheets will drive him crazy. I'm very strong, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. A lot.
I'm keeping it quiet until I talk to my lawyer...only told my BFF. H is burning bridges with all friends and family, but I guess that is part of the MLC process...and obviously, my H is still in replay. I know I'll be fine without him, but it wasn't what I wanted.
Thanks for being there...it helps a lot!
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Oh, and just read part of Gerda's story. Oh my. I hope he doesn't get that bad...but his XW is crazy like that. I'm not sure I could handle another few years dealing with crazy narcissists. Lord, help me!
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
