[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

H was a real clinging boomerang the past 2 years.

I was convinced that he was now going to become more of a vanisher, but I have my doubts again.

Oftentimes the MLCer remains whatever “type” they are for the duration of the crisis. It’s in their core make up of themselves. H is going without talking/clinging to you, but he is reaching out to father, mom, and so on. It’s part of his path and his hidden internal needs. Just because he doesn’t contact you, or more follows your wishes that he doesn’t, does not denote he is, or is becoming, a vanisher.

The “type” is a MLCer’s “majority of the time” default outward expression of how they handle/ignore/run-from their feelings. Clinging and emotionally all over the place. Boomeranging back and forth between both lives and both ideals. Vanishing, poof, never look back, emotionally ignore, and run toward that new wonderful life. These paths are all built upon deceit and lies, to and of themselves. The path is of their own making and therefore is usually not undone until the crisis is undone.

Since my journey started, 2 years ago, we as LBS start looking madly for an explanation that can explain why our H/W can become the opposite of who they used to be. I have read an awful lot, but many of the things I read I did not understand, let alone that I could place them or apply them effectively.
The longer your ride takes, the more everything becomes clear.

I also had this with the principle 'going dark'. I did not understand what this meant. Only now do I really understand that this is to protect yourself, and I can say with certainty now that this was really necessary for me, and will certainly be necessary in the near future, if only for the divorce in a businesslike way to be able to approach. I am a way too emotional person, I don't think I will succeed otherwise.

Time is certainly a gift.

Things do get clearer as one progresses.

Going dark is very useful for protecting one’s self.

For now,I have not yet received a reply to the email I sent him. However, I do know that he would like to buy-in the house where I live with the children (I cannot buy it because it is too expensive). He wants me to stay here with them. I've been thinking about this but this is not something I want.

In this way he keeps full control of me and the children and if he suddenly returns I run the risk of having to leave the house in a rush. That's why I've already decided for myself that I want a fresh start, not one where he can exert any control over me.

After all, he wanted all this, this was not my choice, but I will protect myself from what comes. I do have control over that.

What do you think about this?

In November H stated he didn’t want a divorce. The Christmas holiday visit was reported disastrous, especially with the discovery of OW2.

Two years is lots of time, and not much time - at the same time.

Going dark does protect one’s heart and mind. That protection come as a wall and hardening of the heart. It takes specific energy and direction to keep your heart soft and squishy.

This wall is normal and comes as a feeling of indifference. Well, actually less feelings, like numb or muted. Your feelings, responses, reactions, and care about H, his words, his actions, his behaviours all become attenuated, become less. These are not gone, just currently less amplitude.

Indifference will not last forever, it does roll back later on. During this period of noise-free regarding a wayward spouse, is excellent time for the LBS to discover their values and beliefs; who they are deep down, without their spouse in their mind and heart.

Going dark can have a dark side, when one doesn’t realize what is happening. Being feeling free, and feeling better, when H is not around and when not talking to him, might cause you to incorrectly decide certain things. Make decisions based upon beliefs and values. Then consider those and challenge them against the bright light of logic and reason. Do they stand the test under that cold non-feeling scrutiny?

Do not make decisions based solely upon feelings. Feeling change and those decisions usually are less than ideal. The same goes for decisions bases upon the lack of feelings.

That probably appears paradoxical given the above reasoning about indifference and cold logical scrutiny.

This is a counterintuitive time for an LBS. One’s beliefs are being discovered and hopefully strengthening those that serve, and altering or discarding those that don’t. This takes time, during which we still decide certain things.

So, your current path and place. Being dark with H is providing relief for you. I think this relief is propelling you to seek a divorce quicker than you would otherwise. That is not necessarily wrong, just something to be aware of. Remember, your feelings do and will return. Ensure your decisions are ones you can live with and will feel good about later. That only comes from following your deep beliefs, which may at the moment be getting somewhat altered.

You are looking at things business-like. Very good! The house sounds like a buy out is too expensive for you. Ensure you run the numbers, you only owe half of the debt, get alimony, and child support. You need a place to live, and this is for the moment still your home. If it is beyond what you can afford, even with support payments, then it is unlikely you can remain.

However, the not wanting to remain in the house looks a little like a reaction to H, the events of Christmas, and your new found going-dark indifferent feelings. It feels good to finally be out from under that yoke of attachment, right? The control of our life becomes our’s again. All good stuff! And quite intoxicating at first. Be patient and let those emotions subside somewhat before making decisions. Look deep, look to your beliefs and logic.

The suspected events of a sudden return of H - you having to leave in a rush - are unlikely post divorce. As is any control H would have over you or your life. The truth is, for the future and the present, H only has the control you are giving him. Your fresh start has little to do with a house - it has much to do with you.

I live in the same house, same yard, same furniture, same dishes, bed (new sheets after a couple of years ), TV, decorations, and so on. Yet, I have a “new” life. A fresh start as it were. I cannot escape myself anymore than XW can outrun her past or self. One’s fresh start is in their heart and mind - make it based upon compassion and forgiveness. Find those values and beliefs and decide things with those tenets of life.

I care about you Eagle. I respect you and your stand. Standing becomes more about us than the marriage, relationship, our spouse, or MLC. Stand for you.

Divorce is a piece of paper. True, it does change our lives, especially the business side of it. Marriage is a formal arrangement and relationship, and divorce is just the dissolving of that. And through all of that - marriage, kids, life, divorce - there is always you. You remain. You are most important. Make decisions which you can live with, for you are the one that does.

I unabashedly share my views and encouragement with you. I was quite touched that you thought highly of my path and are wanting to walk a similar one, and will provide what I can.

Do me a favour and list, privately or share if you like, the reasons to move and sell your home; without H being one of the factors, for post-divorce he won’t be.

D