Quick outline for H's who have been BD'd by WW

[sandi2]

I have a question that I don't believe has been asked here.

Shortly after BD, WW told me I should start dating and that she hopes I'll find happiness with someone else. This was definitely not what I wanted to do. I wanted to save the marriage,

Do WWs say this to make themselves feel better about what they are doing?

For the WW to tell the LBH that he should date, is like giving a hurt kid some toy to distract him from his pain.

Some will tell the LBH to date, as a way of convincing him that she's really over the M and won't consider reconciliation, and she wants to move on. In other words, it's a way to get LBH off her back. Some WW's think if the LBH dates, it will take some of the pressure off her reputation as the bad guy that tore up the family. Yes, I suppose there are a few WW's who feel some degree of guilt and see the LBH dating as a way of releasing that guilt.

Here's the thing, I don't think most WW's feel the degree of guilt that you would assume she'd have. B/c you are thinking from a logical & moral point of reference, and people who lie, betray, deceive, cheat, and tear apart families should be eaten up with guilt. Right? Feeling guilt is pretty shallow while she's in the affair. She doesn't feel shame. It's not regret. It's not remorse. And if she feels any of these, it's to a low degree. Remember, her heart has hardened and she is not the girl she once was (in most cases). She feels justified, b/c it's time for "her happiness". How can you feel guilt and justification at the same time? Another thing to consider is the drug-like excitement she gets from the "forbidden" love affair. It's strong enough to smother her previous code of conduct, morals, religious teachings, family values, etc.

There are different levels or depths of waywardness........b/c every person is not exactly alike. Although the stories we read here sound somewhat similar and the behavior of the WW often sound as if they have read the same playbook...... the individual woman with her baggage of negativity; resentment and disrespect for her H; her background; family of origin; and her personality traits can influence the depths she will go when acting out in rebellion. If anger/rage is a big part of her rebellion, then she's going to be mean, and do spiteful and outrageous things to hurt the LBH. On the other hand, I feel there are many WW's who don't set out to see how badly they can hurt their LBH. That's not their goal or focus. They don't have an affair just to hurt the LBH. (That's getting into another area or depth, which is more about vengeance.) Of course, there are some WW's that become focused on making their H's life miserable, but often, there are other factors in her personality or the sitch that's leading them. For the usual or common WW, it's all about her fantasy.

So, will she ever feel remorse for what she's done? I believe when reality slaps her in the face and the fantasy collapses, her eyes will open. I won't say that remorse hits every single WW, b/c they have to feel deep regret and sorrow for the pain they inflicted on their loved ones.......most of all, their LBH. Some WW's are just too hardened and too stubborn to be humbled.

I hope this post doesn't sound like a word salad.