Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[Elbereth]

Journaling mostly, but the last few days I've been a bit down and disconnected. It's really hard with the pandemic as it's hard to get out of the house to do new activities or see friends. I do get out to walk and exercise, but when the weather isn't so nice, I've not been outside a long as I would like. I am considering taking an intensive training course. It would give me something to focus on as well as something for my resume.

My H has not been here, and I haven't asked where he is staying. He had mentioned he would have an Airbnb this month, so he might be there or he might be at his friends house nearby. He still has things in the basement, whatever that means. During our last R talk (that he initiated), I stated "what is the rush to get a D?", and encouraged him to take some time to figure things out, so I'm giving him the space I said I would. Plus, with not knowing if he was with the OW earlier in the week, the space is good for the whole 'exposure to covid' issue.

I'm digging into DR book and setting goals and thinking about my own behaviors to change. Thinking back, I am my mother in many ways. It is true you learn from your parents and my parents marriage is not a good one. I see how some of my ways of communicating my desires were not aligned in the way that my H would respond to them. I'm very direct, blunt, and analytical, so to me explaining my feelings and expectations fully seems so logical. Well, reading the forum and the book is showing me that it's okay to be the way you are, but if it is not working, you need to change your approach. I just wish I had found this book before all of this happened. I do feel that the way we communicate and deal/not deal with issues was the main reason for our problems. I also recognize that it isn't just my ways, H has his own ways of communicating (and avoiding), so what we have been doing was not working. I'm hoping that as I drop the first dominoes that it helps to change the dynamic. And at least now I will learn tools for the future regardless of this MR or another.

S18 goes to his bio-Mom's house soon. He will pop in often as he does. I miss him when he's gone but also enjoy the time alone and not having to cook, clean, etc. But I do worry about him, he seems very unmotivated with school, frustrated about losing his senior year experience, and loss of sports. It's been hard to tell if what is happening between H and I is really affecting him or not on top of everything else. He's very closed off and doesn't want to talk to about things. I worry for his future, his motivations and drive, and his relationships.

I'm still reading others sitch's on the forum too. I've not added much responses yet, but I hope as I start to really feel like I'm 'walking the DB walk' I can also offer encouragement and advice like you all have for me. I guess that is enough rambling... I hope everyone has a weekend of positives.