I think I may have a difference of opinion with the larger group on the question of ultimatums. There are two problems with ultimatums. First, you cannot use an ultimatum to control the actions of another person, even though that is what you are trying to do. I won't fault anyone for trying, because the very first thing I tried was an ultimatum. Second, if you issue an ultimatum, then you absolutely must follow through immediately and stick to your guns. That is very hard to do. However, if you issue an ultimatum, follow through when your spouse picks the other person, and jump right on the DB train, I support that.
But, if you aren't going to follow through with the consequences of the ultimatum, do not give an ultimatum.
-Spiral
Spiral, that is very well articulated and why we suggest LBSs don't issue them. Because 1) 99.999999% it is trying to control the other person. 2) because most LBSs are not strong enough to follow through on the ultimatum.
Which is why boundaries are much better. Boundaries are ultimatums without the ultimatum part (IE without the statement trying to control). So rather than saying to the WAS "If you do X, I will do Y." You just say to yourself "If the WAS does X I will do Y." That takes the control out, and also takes the making you look weak for not following through out. It still puts the onus of following through squarely on the LBS.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
