Help.

[sandi2]

Did she move out in order to have space, and "to find herself" or "work on herself"? Did she move out in order to work on the MR? I doubt she moved out to work on the M. However, you can use this physical separation as a way of showing her what life without you would be for her. It takes strength and courage on your part, b/c it means you let her go, instead of playing these little peek-a-boo games she's putting out there.

I get confused and lost because in the past I would respond to her small advances and it would build momentum for us. I'm fumbling as you can see with some of my communication with her and not following up on anything that could be construed as an advancement. I'm also concerned that the "just business about our daughter" will trigger her abandonment that she felt during our relationship (which in part I now can see and own my share of that).

It's not going to work now. You were in a different time space then. Now, she wants out of the M, and has moved out of the home. That indicates more than just a riff. I'm going to call b.s. on the part about you being concerned if you pull back it will trigger her abandonment issues. YOU are the one who has abandonment issues......(which you admit at the end of that statement.) She has to take responsibility for helping her own issues.

Does the book explain why this cold approach works, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all, don't get me wrong, I'm not doubting nor discarding everyone's support, in fact it's the opposite.

Cold? What did you think separation was? What you see as being "cold" is what we often call tough love. It takes strength to apply tough love. You are living separate lives. She wants out. So, no, you don't act like a loving husband who is all concerned about her feelings......b/c she's fired you from husband position. Now, she needs to experience the results of her firing. Is that too cold for you? B/c this has just started.

I don't mean to say you have to behave like a jerk. You don't have to be hateful or mean. LBH's have trouble balancing their viewpoints, and when they're told not do something that way........they immediately think we mean go to the extreme opposite.

Also - How does validating her play into any of this? I downloaded a list awhile ago and was curious how that (if)played into this?

It's not complementing her. It's not agreeing with everything she says. It's listening. Letting her know you hear her. However, that's not to mean you have to stick around when she cussing you out or on some rampage linked to you. I've seen newcomer nice-guys get so focused on validating, when they should walk away from how the WW is talking to them. Frankly, I think nice guys jump at the validation stuff, b/c it feels more comfortable for their NGS. But unfortunately, many of them sound as if they are kissing her backside, or comes off sounding like a robot repeating the same sentence. If your W is wayward, you need to be real careful expressing validation. Don't overkill.

I just don't understand it. She sends me funny emoji's with her communications about herself to me.

And she sends me videos of our daughter and her progress updates.... It's hard for me to make this transition into "friend / dad only zone"

I imagine I'm reading all into this that there is the want to connect beyond my daughter......

I've only responded to the texts with short comments about my daughter like "she's really cute" or "go P go!"

I've read that I shouldn't is there harm in replying?

The WW doesn't want you for a husband, but she wants you to stay attached to her.......for selfish reasons. She wants you for a BFF, not a lover. She keeps you confused and emotionally attached by sending you photos of your child, and inviting you to family events/activities. She'll "use" the child for her own selfish benefit, just as you'll use your child to contact your W. These acts of contact from her should be ignored. If she text you "good morning" or late at night, just know these are her ways to keep you attached. She has no plans of taking the relationship any farther than friendship. Your best bet is to stop communication with her. I would advise you to not attend her family events, or even go over there when they invite you. They are her family, and you two are separated. Respect them enough to step back during this period. You don't have to be rude or cold to them, but if they invite you to something just thank them and say you love them but need space while going through this separation with their daughter.

Last week I FaceTimed both her sister and her mom while having my daughter on her lap.

On your W's lap, or your lap? I bet they saw right through your motivation (which was for them to go tell your W what a devoted and loving dad you are). Trying to get some brownie points with her family isn't going to impress your W.

what is "cakeating"?

She's about to come over and I find myself just trying to impress her by how I look and what the house looks like.

Cakeeating is when she benefits from being married to you, and benefits living as a single gal. Let me tell you, as long as you show her she is relevant in your life and you're trying to act good enough to please her...........you'll never get her back. I understand this probably sounds totally opposite from your ideas of saving the M, but I'm cutting to the chase here to tell you what works and doesn't work. Unless you were guilty of some type of abuse, addiction, or criminal activity, I'd guess she didn't have a justifiable reason for leaving you. Selfish reasons are only justifiable to her.

You have to act as if you are moving forward with your life (without her) and you'll be just fine. Otherwise, you are giving the reigns of your life to her and she'll never be attracted to you as a man. Why? B/c you are showing you have very little self respect, so why should she have any more? You'll be receiving a lot of new information of how to approach your sitch, so don't act upon something before you really understand it.