You are right to avoid hearing his voice. That's what going dark means! It's to protect you! When my D talks on the phone to H, I put on headphones and blast my favorites on spotify. You've figured out that you do better when you don't have to hear or see him. Do more of not hearing and seeing him. Tell yourself, "Eagle, I am going to protect you from that, we are going dark on that!" You need to heal so you can get stronger. And guess what -- when you are strong, it doesn't just help you deal with this struggle and the battles, etc. It will open you up to more joys in the life you have without him. I'm not saying restoration is impossible but either way you want to get Eagle back, get strong and have a soul free to experience joy in life again.
Hi Gerda, Thanks you for these words. You are absolutely right in what you write.
Since my journey started, 2 years ago, we as LBS start looking madly for an explanation that can explain why our H/W can become the opposite of who they used to be. I have read an awful lot, but many of the things I read I did not understand, let alone that I could place them or apply them effectively. The longer your ride takes, the more everything becomes clear.
I also had this with the principle 'going dark'. I did not understand what this meant. Only now do I really understand that this is to protect yourself, and I can say with certainty now that this was really necessary for me, and will certainly be necessary in the near future, if only for the divorce in a businesslike way to be able to approach. I am a way too emotional person, I don't think I will succeed otherwise.
As you have read in my story, my H was a real clinging boomerang the past 2 years. However, it has been since my visit to the other country during the holidays that I had the impression that he really wanted a divorce this time, or maybe it was just me that was now ready to go forward with it.
He no longer calls me, but now mainly calls his mother. The weird thing is that he can't understand at all why I don't want to hear him anymore, why I don't want contact now. He also mentioned this to my sister a few weeks ago. I was convinced that he was now going to become more of a vanisher, but I have my doubts again. In any case, he sticks to what I asked from him and no longer calls me.
For now,I have not yet received a reply to the email I sent him. However, I do know that he would like to buy-in the house where I live with the children (I cannot buy it because it is too expensive). He wants me to stay here with them. I've been thinking about this but this is not something I want. In this way he keeps full control of me and the children and if he suddenly returns I run the risk of having to leave the house in a rush. That's why I've already decided for myself that I want a fresh start, not one where he can exert any control over me. After all, he wanted all this, this was not my choice, but I will protect myself from what comes. I do have control over that.
