I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[sandi2]

Why is she so vindictive and cold after a year and a half? Why does she always come up with a new excuse to bring me down and tell me I have not changed and why does she pride herself so much on her newly found life where I am not even a shade?

I have known people like your W who refuse to forgive, put away her anger, and to move forward. It's a fault within themselves. Even if she should marry another man, there will be a part of her that is left with bitterness, and it will, more than likely, affect her other relationships. At first, she'll try to make her new man sound as if he's everything you could not be. (That's just another sign she wants to throw it in your face to hurt you.) It's her vindictive desire to hurt you. Eventually, she'll adapt a negative attitude that all men are alike, meaning they are no good. [/i]

Is it your fault that she's filled with vindictiveness? No! Why? B/c every individual has free volition over their behavior. We choose how to act, how to respond, and how to treat other people. Rather than taking responsibility for herself, she has decided to put all her unhappiness on you and make [i]you responsible. Therefore, she walks around feeling justified b/c she can say it's all your fault. In other words, she thinks she gets off free to say & do whatever she wants without any accountability, by blaming you for the past. This attitude carries over to her having OM.

There is nothing you can do to change her mindset. In real life, I've seen a few of this type of men & women who come to the end of their lives and die.......full of bitterness at life and most everyone around them. They might have a few fleeting moments of happiness during their lifetime, but it was mostly shallow, due to holding onto anger. Their bitterness at their ex-spouse overflows into the other areas of their lives. The ex-spouse has no control over it. The ex-spouse has moved on, but the angry, vindictive, bitter spouse refuses to put away their negative feelings. I think she needs counseling to know how to manage those feelings.

I know myself and I know this will haunt me in my future. This having being able to get a second chance, even if it did not depend on me. This is why I said it will be painful. Also it will affect my children and I cannot protect them against it.

I do think there are some couples who cause more pain for the children by living together. If there is one parent who can't be loving and nurturing to the MR, and the children observe the animosity .........how will it influence their development, and their relationships in the future? I feel this situation with your W was so unnecessary, and could have been resolved if she would allow her hard heart to soften. But she has chosen to keep a hard heart and let old wounds fester.

There are a few things in life we don't get second changes. I can look back at many things I regret and it could put me in bed, sick in my soul that I did not do a better job. What good would it do me? What good would it do my family? For example, the mistakes I made when raising my children are long past (they are adults now), and there's no going back for a redo. We are not promised tomorrow, we only have today, so let's not waste it by haunting memories of what we did wrong in the past. Learn from the experiences, and don't repeat the same mistakes.

I encourage you to speak to your therapist about learning how to manage your negative thought patterns. For example, you said you "know" not having a second chance will haunt you in the future. It doesn't have to haunt you, Pack. You are setting yourself up by making these type of proclamations. Yes, you may always have regrets over the MR, but it doesn't have to haunt you every day until you die. You can learn how to process and manage your emotional pain, just like physical pain. I've never had cognitive behavior therapy, but the board has had members who did, and had very positive results. I honestly believe your entire life would blossom if you could change the way you think about some of these issues. (((hugs)))

God knows I gave it my best and I meant it when I promised her to love her and grow a family together.

And that's all you could do! No matter how sorrowful you feel about not getting a second chance, you can have peace knowing you tried your best. You have to claim peace, instead of claiming you'll be haunted.

I actually have a lot of hope for you, Pack. Now, when I make that statement.......where does your mind take you? Am I talking about hope for the M? Am I talking about hope for Pack's happiness and peace of mind? What do you think? When you first joined the board, you linked all future happiness to reconciliation of your MR. However, I think you are beginning to grow and can see farther. The need to save your M can blind a person to an extent. Like you, for instance, couldn't or wouldn't process what we told you, b/c all you saw was winning back your W. When that didn't happen, you blamed yourself. Yes, you made some mistakes, like most every LBH. Do I think those mistakes is why reconciliation never came? We'll never know, but just my intuition says your W believed you were the one who should make changes to please her. .......(which was never going to be good enough). You bought into the same mentality and believed you could make changes that would win her back. In the meantime, nothing you did satisfied her, b/c she had hardened her heart too much. What am I saying? It's all on her, now. There has been no reconciliation b/c of her. You tried for a second chance and she was having none of it. You can't make someone love you when they have a closed heart.