These broken people have an uphill battle which started when they were children. Many of a person’s traits, their beliefs and values, their biases and prejudices, their strengths, and their failings got root when they were young by the actions of their parents.
I can completely see how one feeling empty and hollow regarding their own children would think the same of their Mom and Dad. The idea that their parents are as empty towards them as they are too their kids would turn their world on edge.
I know my Dad (and Mom) loved and love me. My Dad is a great man and father, and I followed his footsteps. I do him proud, and he tells me.
XW’s Mom was a horrible shrew. And her Dad basically followed along. Her Mom told her, to her face, in front of me, that children are a terrible burden, and to never have any. And of course don’t forget they cuts ties with her, never having even seen their four amazing grandchildren.
I suspect you can imagine how high in regard I was held in their eyes. Lol. If they would treat their own flesh and blood that way, well... not much chance for DnJ.
My parents welcomed J with open arms. She quickly became a daughter; something I’ve done with my boys GFs. J became sister to my sister, all well before we married. Truly, she had an excellent family (in-law). One would think that would be that. But no. Her unknown and unrealized wounds run deep and would not remain silent.
From what I’ve pieced together over the years, and the various clues and things the odd relative says and does, I suspect XW’s traumas run similar to rape and sexual assault. That, especially as a young child, is going to mess someone up pretty bad. Yet, I didn’t know. And for all those years W never suffered or showed any signs of such a horrible past. And here we are. Denial is a powerful needed force. It protects one’s very psyche from that which would shatter them.
Until about a year before BD, our children were loved - absolutely - by both me and J. That love was displayed, felt, said; God knows we had a wonderful life.
The good things and how to stop this being passed down. My kids knew their loving Mom. For most of their lives they had W/Mom. Post BD, of course I love them. And we discussed this. Information is power. Power to understand. Power to empathize. Power to forgive. My children, which I include my in-law children (so 7 of them), all know about the fragility of the mind and the reality one creates.
S2 will not remember the divorce. In his life your situation is completely normal. Which is such a good thing. My kids see people in wheelchairs as completely normal, they all grew up knowing grandpa in a wheelchair (Dad became paralyzed months after my second son was born, so 21 years ago).
Getting a formal binding parenting agreement signed and in place will provide much stability and foundation in both your and S2’s lives.
For those reading along, or who stubble upon this great gal’s thread in some future date - having a vanisher MLCer is quite a blessing.
My goodness, I didn’t mean to write so much. I was just here eating supper, reading your posts, and started typing. By the way, supper was thick cut slabs of beef cut from an angus roast, three boiled potatoes, all smothered in brown gray. And some cheery tomatoes on the side. Yummy!
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
