Hello all, I stumbled on the forum about two months ago and have found the vets' comments on people's sitches sobering, helpful and right on target. I really need your advice and I hope someone finds a bit of time to provide some guidance.
I and my W have been together for 11 years. I am 34, she is 36 and we have a S6. In the beginning of our relationship we moved to a new city for both of us, found jobs, got into our own place, etc. 4 years into our relationship I proposed to her, but due to both our immediate families living in different countries we never got to do an actual wedding. Once our S6 was born we would have either her parents or my parents come and stay with us for a few months to help us out and then go back to their respective countries. All was well (or I was under that impression) until the middle of 2019 when the BD happened. Prior to this W seemed to get unhappier with life in general, started complaining about expectations and reality, comparing herself and us to other people and decided to undergo a few enhancing medical procedures, as well as getting a few new tattoos (surprise, right!). In the summer of 2019 we were both invited to a week-long event, but for one reason or another I decided not to go and we decided for her to go with one of our friends. In the last few days before departing for the event the friend cancelled so my W had to go completely alone; she knew a few other people at the event regardless. Long story short, she met this guy who was about to have his own divorce and they spend the evening flirting and kissing. When she arrived back from the event I immediately noticed a change in her behavior and my gut was telling me something was not right. Initially, just like other folks in here, I could not believe she would be one to do something like this and then went into denial and the rest of the stages, plus the begging, phone calls, nice-ing and running behind her at home like a puppy. A month after she met the guy at the event she went out to meet with him for drinks and something else. I found out on the next day that something was amiss but had no proof and the gaslighting was unbelievable. My mistake was that I was so desperate that I pretty much agreed to take her back without any repercussions. At the end of 2019 and the beginning of last year we had a long conversation and she assured me that she had chosen to stay with me instead of running away with him and that was the end of the story, but now I realize that we just swept things under the rug instead of addressing our problems. I think between the beginning and summer of last year there was a period of time that they did not talk and there was a glimpse of her old self. However, in August things got bad again. Me and S6 left home for a week visiting a friend in another town and she decided to stay home. While we were out of town we spoke on the phone and Face-Timed every day a couple of times and never in my mind was there any suspicion or a thought of her meeting with OM. Once we got back though I again sensed that something was not right and when I confronted her she admitted that the guy came to town to see her and they went out "for lunch". Since September of last year the interactions between us have gotten worse. We have decided to do an IHS and will go to mediation to figure out a few things that we need to straighten out. She has decided that she does not want to live anymore in the town that we lived for the last 10 years and wants to move to a bigger city that is more than 3000 km away to be with him. While we are doing the IHS she is still talking to her "friend" and is planning to go visit him soon for a few days, while telling me that she is visiting one of her girlfriends. We are doing IHS because she does not have the financial means to move out. I have asked her a few times to move out and told her that I do not want to live in an open relationship and if she doesn't want our family anymore she is free to go, but on the other hand she really can not afford to move out on her own and take care of our son for the few days of the week that she will have him. Since Covid began last year she has been a SAHM.
I will keep giving more information in my upcoming posts, but wanted to get your advice one one thing: As I am aware of all her plans to spend a lovely "vacation" with OM should I really push for kicking her out of the house? As in give her the ultimatum - she either goes to spend time with him and I will not allow her back home (her name is not listed anywhere on the home deed) or she decides to cancel the vacation and we keep the peace until she finds her own place and we wrap up mediation. I don't feel it is right for her to go out and spend time with OM while enjoying the comfort of our home. It is very disrespectful towards me and very painful as well. I am planning to tell her that I know that her trip will be to meet OM and not her girlfriends (as she claims). Am I being too controlling in that situation?
At the same time, I have read Sandi's rules and am trying to implement as many as I can, I am GAL-ing pretty often, I don't message or call her anymore, no kisses, hugs, etc. I take my S6 to different activities and hang out with friends during the week and weekends, so I don't miss her in that regard. I don't have the sadness in me that I had at the initial BD, but still some days are harder than others; I really wish we had an intact family. I was also planning to tell her parents (just tell, not ask for advice or help) about our separation and give my side of the story. She likes to lie and tell made up things to our common friends and her family, but I am not 100% sure telling them the truth is the right thing to do yet.
I really appreciate everyone's wisdom and the shared personal experiences on the forum.
