I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[Pack_19]

Absolutely not! You are a bad dber but just about all of us were in the beginning. The reality is it is very unlikely to stop the D by the time you get here. Can you reconcile in the future? Absolutely! Steve has posted that his studies show that 90% will eventually want to recon. It may take 35 years but there is a chance for sure.

I complain a lot about the "give me now" society and pride myself of being a great long term seeker and yet I want to R now and under the perfect circumstances. I am forcing myself out of pride and self esteem to close the door, if there is OM it should be me who would never want to R. But I love the version of her I married, this means if she ever comes begging I will be in a weak spot. Your post and the one from Steve have made me think a lot.

What are my core values?
Why I let actions from my W influence those values?
I am no longer a weak man, I have to think about these questions carefully.

Steve,

I think this question has a flaw in it. You are asking this question with the false notion that you ever had any control over your sitch. This is a common struggle for LBSs. Pack, you could have DB'd perfectly from minute 1, with zero mistakes (almost humanly impossible) and still ended up where you are. In these sitches the WAS has all of control, and that is a difficult thing to understand. It takes two committed and dedicated to making a MR work. It only takes on to make a D.

So true. I should be proud of having learnt about healthy relationships, about PIES, about my Mr nice guy issues, about sexual kung-fu, about better communication and detachment. I think my goal now is to focus on me, my future and breaking that emotional rope that tights me to W.

Now certainly there are things you can do, and behavior that will worsen your sitch. But Pack, I don't remember anything so egregious that we can point to and say "You blew it up!" And even when mistakes blow things up, they tend to be temporary blow ups and things go back to the status quo. Again, nobody DBs perfectly. You've mentioned going on dates, yet you still have an idealistic belief in wanting to keep your family intact. How do you square those two things? But yet you made the decision to date even though you feel that way. This is not a chastisement, as it is your sitch and you can do whatever you want to do. But it is important for our actions to align with what we want!

Think about it this way, if you were planning on marrying your W, and the marriage was scheduled, everything booked, would you date others? And while it isn't exactly and apples-to-apples comparison, deep down it is similar. "I want to be married and committed to this person.......but I am going to date other people."

Two things moving forward: Stick to your principles. And be true to yourself regarding your motivations. And then weigh all decisions and actions against those two things. For instance, if you want to be in a committed, loving marriage with your WAW, then why are you dating? And if you are just dating to "get her attention" then are you doing it for the right reason? See?

So I am sure there have been things you've done and said that have hurt your sitch. We all did. No one is perfect. And you cannot change past mistakes. The best statement you made was: "As long as I can breathe, I can change" SO TRUE! So focus on that regardless of what your WAS does.

You hit me hard there Steve. Yes I never go out with my heart, maybe I am doing to catch her attention or as revenge because I image W being with OM or going out on dates and I want the same fun for me. Truth is I dont find that fun, fun now for me is driving, the bike, smashing my running records, being with my friends or playing with my son at home. I also felt like it was time to have sex again so I turned to tinder in search of that.

I also have a lot of pressure from the people who love me to move on, they see W building a new life, seeing OM and they want me to be able to move on a "meet someone better". I am not trying to justify myself, my core values ask me to continue to work on myself, my future, the kids and to change the dynamics of the R with W. However, if she is seeing OM, how can I do that? Steve, I will look weak, clingy and stupid, wont I?
Knowing this...

I am not a safety net, I am not a poor husband or emotionally deficient, I am a great man and father, I have values and goals in my life and I work hard to reach those goals. No woman will ever come in between either these goals or my perception of myself as a man. I am strong, I am loving, I am attractive, I am mature, I am fun and I am the heck of a father!

and the fact that I maintain the promise I made to my W the day we married. But also knowing she has told me she is certain she wants a D and she will never come back because she cannot be happy with me. You have a great sense of integrity and values, Steve, I truly admire you even if for me you are only a name now. What would you do? Please help me, as much as you feel you can /want. I think I am letting all that is happen lose me in a sea of fear and doubt.

Thank you! ((hugs)) Pack