I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[Pack_19]

Do you? Do you really believe you'll come out of this a confident, attractive and irresistible man? Feeling like a failure as a man is at the core of Paco not being able to let go of the M. In your initial thread you spoke of your family's values and traditions, which included how they measured a successful marriage/family. Like most every man I know, having a job that provides the income for the family is at the top of their priority list. That's one of the main responsibilities of a man with a family!!! But your WW hits you where she knows it will hurt the most........and you believe you are a failure as a man. Stop believing lies.

Hi Sandi, there are so many things in my head about my mistakes now I need to go one by one and destroy them. Ideas about being selfish, about spending too much time at work, about not been emotionally intelligent, not performing sexually, not being able to communicate and giving money too much importance. There is a list for me to shatter to pieces, it has been very hard to do this in the presence of a W who always found a new reason to tell me I was the same and she could not be happy with me. When on Sunday she addressed me as having insulted her for a year it is as if it had snapped on my head (there will always be an excuse so that I am a monster and she is entitled to leave me and be happy). Yesterday, I was a poor father, tomorrow I might be selfish man or unable to control my jealousy. Yes I had some issues, but nowhere near what she claims and I am on a quest to erase them all. Sandi, as I told you yesterday, I am worth more than a second option or a safety net. As you said, I dont think she will eve chase me and do the work needed to R. God knows I gave it my best and I meant it when I promised her to love her and grow a family together. She knows this, I can continue my life in peace.

You were a good man, and bad things happen to good people.......so stop with the self punishment and allow yourself to be happy. There's one person holding you back, and his name is Paco.

I will do this Sandi, I have a great job and 2 fantastic sons who adore me. W does not have the power to change me as a man or my future.

Let me tell you what I think it is a sign of detachment. When her thoughts and feelings about you become irrelevant. You make decisions based on your integrity and moral/spiritual principles, and not on what your W may think about it.

Getting there, I did not let her comment affect me for a second yesterday. I am a great father and my son loves my car and he gets to sit in the front row with all safety needed. Also he gets to choose the music and W has nothing to say there.

The first sentence sounds contradictive. Are you staying positive a divorce will destroy every cell in your body? I don't think this is the type of positive thinking you should have. A divorce will destroy you.......only if you choose to let it destroy you. You have to change how you look at this, Pack. Not that you welcome or enjoy a divorce, but it doesn't have to destroy every cell in your body! That is YOU having that mindset. Only you can stop having that mindset. How can you have a positive outlook when your inner thoughts are saying every cell of your body will be destroyed?

I know myself and I know this will haunt me in my future. This having being able to get a second chance, even if it did not depend on me. This is why I said it will be painful. Also it will affect my children and I cannot protect them against it. My mindset is changed Sandi, I was a boy who made mistakes but out of this D I will come an attractive and strong man.

Well, she's your sister, so she may feel anger toward your W for the pain she's caused. I will say this, however, that women can read other women. Men can read other men. In other words, your sister wasn't blinded by love and could see through your W. Your sister doesn't have any illusions of a fairy tale R in the future with this W.

She told me the other day she was never fond of W but she always thought I could do much better, so she is shocked by how much this is hurting me. Yes, I had the illusion she would change but all the messages I receive is that W is very focused on her new life without me and from her side all are cold messages like "I hope we can be as cordial as possible". It is disgusting. I am going to use all of this to fuel my rebirth. I am going to get the car and motorbike I always wanted and move back to Madrid the weeks I dont have the children, I will not stay here seeing her rebuild her life as if I had been a mistake in her past.

Pack, I'm so sorry you are having a painful day. I wish I could make it go away and fill it with pure joy. By your words, you are trying to see your worth a little more.......and I believe when you get things in proper perspective, your life will take off on a glorious ride. This will pass, and one day you will wonder why it took you so long. (((hugs)))

I know Sandi, deep inside my head I know I have all the ingredients to make me the happiest man and to live a great life. You have seen many WWs and their behavior, you have seen both Ds and Rs. Why is she so vindictive and cold after a year and a half? Why does she always come up with a new excuse to bring me down and tell me I have not changed and why does she pride herself so much on her newly found life where I am not even a shade? Perhaps she really is happier now and I should be happy for her, at the end of the day that is what you do when you love a person.

Yes I am having a bad week, I had great plans for our M and my family and the way she broke with all of them and blamed me for everything was something I never expected. I know now next time a woman tells me to do something otherwise she will go and sleep with the first man outside I will tell her "yes, goodbye and use protection!", but when this all started I could never imagine she would get to this point. The same way I could never imagine her restarting her life with OM without having had the chance to discuss our communication issues and the tough conditions we had at home in Germany. I guess it is her choice to not have this conversations and for me to have them with myself.

I also have some questions regarding my thoughts about the past. I value a lot all we have lived in the UK and Germany, the challenges we overcame and the experiences we shared. I cannot get them out of my head and they are hurting me because they make me want to go back to that family and that is simply not possible. What can I do to deal with them better?

I am not a safety net, I am not a poor husband or emotionally deficient, I am a great man and father, I have values and goals in my life and I work hard to reach those goals. No woman will ever come in between either these goals or my perception of myself as a man. I am strong, I am loving, I am attractive, I am mature, I am fun and I am the heck of a father!

I came here desperate wanting to save my M, I have met amazing people and learnt I have to save myself and my integrity. I also learnt to experience pain without reacting to it and the sad truth that even if W loved me more than anything, she could still choose to leave me. I need a life without her and I can promise you all is going to be a great life!

Thank you all for your comments.

((hugs)) Pack