I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[Pack_19]

Pack, when BD happened for me I was about to turn 49 years old. I got married when I was 29. All through my 20s I dated lots of different girls (even with the aura of a long-term on-again, off-again relationship with a woman that jerked me around for years).

I point that out to say that perspective on things changes a lot when you're 49 vs. 29. You are still so young and there are so many other people out there, that it pains me to see you so all in on this woman that seems doggedly determine to leave you. I am sure you've heard the old saying that "we want what we can't have" (which is a truth underlying why I allowed the woman mentioned above to jerk me around for so long). And I think that truth sometimes is compounded by the fact that now there is an OM. Biologically we turn into a rutting buck when another buck starts to move in on our doe. That competitive fire comes out in us. "Oh no you dint!" attitude bubbles up and we start comparing ourselves to the "other buck" to try compete with them. I suspect you've got a little bit of that going on. It was difficult enough when you thought she was just walking away out of unhappiness, but when another buck show up your "fight" instinct kicks in.

I guess what I am trying to ask is that is the desire to fight stronger than the desire to hold fast to a boundary? If I had asked you 3 years ago "What would you do if your W cheated on you?" what would your answer be? Would you have said that you'd have walked? Would that have been a deal-breaker? If so, what is different now?

And yes, from her perspective she likely doesn't see it as cheating. Cheater never do. Cheaters do all kind of mental gymnastics to convince themselves (and by extension, others) that the marriage was already over by time the cheating took place. It also speaks to the different the LBS and WAS views separation. LBSs see separation as a necessary step towards R. WASs see separation a step towards D. You probably didn't see separation on 10/27/19 the same way she saw it. You thought "some distance will let me detach easier (it rarely does) and that will help me bust my D." She saw it as a chance to be free and do whatever she wanted (yes, that includes dating and sleeping with other men).

So Pack the question I have for you is what are you trying so save here? You are young, have 67% of your life ahead of you, and breaking the bound you still feel towards her will only make you stronger, and let you move on. Look at the others here whose sitches have ended in D, they are so much better off today than they were on BD, and the weeks/months that followed. I like the PIES approach you laid out. Great way to look at your path ahead. But my question for you above still stands. Keep PIES in sight, but what are you planning to do to move on (and forward) with YOUR life?

Wow Steve, thanks for the words. If you asked me three years ago I would have said I would walk away and never look back again. I dont have confirmation from W, I will never have, she claims I am not entitled to any explanation and I guess this resonates a lot with the description you have given on how she and myself perceived the separation as it began. Still many people have seen them so I lean towards the idea it is true and I need to move on and be there for my kids.

I am not comparing myself with OM, I know my worth trust me, there are not so many 30 year old men in Seville with my career, healthy life style and sense of responsibility. What you said about having what I cannot have is very painful, not for you to say, but because it links back to when W used to tell me she felt like my doll I never played with and now wanted because I could not have it. You cannot imagine how much it hurt to hear that comparison and think she had such a cruel perception on what I thought and felt about her. I dont know anymore, maybe you both are right and I am trying to prove to myself I can attract her again when it is not about that. I have already won at attracting back my friends (who tell me this every chance we have to meet) and my children. For me that is a victory.

I have been on a couple of dates, I can feel the sense of many other women being out there for me. I can feel you all guys are telling me to see reality and move on. There is a question I have to ask as it is killing me. Do you think I blew this up because of how incompetent a DBer I have been? Please be honest with me. As long as I can breathe, I can change and now I am going to put all y efforts in NC and doing my PIES for myself, as a new man.

Thanks for your words. Hugs! Pack