I know this whole R is unhealthy, bad, hurting me, setting a bad example for the kids, just wrong. My logical mind understands this. My logical mine is pissed off that I even had to deal with this. But... my emotional side the one attached to the 11 years with her and the thought of a nuclear family just can’t accept it. This is my struggle. I know I don’t seem so but I am a pretty sharp guy, and actually not a weak guy I’m a leader, I’m respected it’s just in matters of the heart that I struggle so hard. Honestly I believe a lot of it has to do with not having a father around, being raised by my mom and her sort of training me on how to love. The feminism of men in this country, TV, movies, etc. in the military I had no issue putting somone down and sleeping at night. But I spent about 3 months with insomnia when my WW left me for OM. All the others were affairs that were short-lived, she never actually left, moved out and took the kids with her until this past one. That has been hard. It’s a feeling of loss, a hit to the ego, name it what you want. I absolutely logically understand this is totally F’d up. It’s my heart that just can’t accept it as what it is. I’m getting there, I went from feeling sad at this loss 24/7 to feeling pissed off im even taking this most of the time. I will reach a point where I’m just totally done. I will get there. Where my mind and heart align and my hope for my imagination of what she could be matches the reality of what she is. But for some reason I just cannot get there yet. I will try harder, I will commit to myself to stop all “feelings” and just deal with it. I do it a little more each day. I will get there. And I know my M is over it’s gone it’s bye bye it’s just accepting it now that’s hard.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
