Well, I think I’ve given up on even caring for myself lately. I rarely put makeup on. I only wear scrubs and sweats. I can’t lose weight . What’s the point anymore ?
I had my MRI to help try to figure out my ankle pain/ foot pain. It was negative. My podiatrist was upset, I was upset. We wanted to see something and fix it. He gave me a referral to a second opinion to make sure there isn’t something that he is missing. But we both really think it’s coming from my back and it’s a spinal issue. I’ve just learned to live with back pain and sciatic pain I have from my herniated discs and the lipoma on my spine. I never followed up when I should have. I was supposed to get MRI’s of my spine to make sure the lipoma isn’t growing every 6minths and I haven’t since I was diagnosed in 2016. I’m afraid to go back to deal with this issue.
I can’t go on like this anymore. I’ve always had pain but I have always dealt with it. I don’t even know what body I am living in anymore. I am the woman who used to run, kickbox, lift weights, bike ride, do hard core boot camp classes, swim, hike, yoga. I could move my body. Now it’s no good anymore. It’s heavier , it’s a achier, and doesn’t do what it’s supposed to. All those activities were my therapy, my lifeline, my joy, my hobbies, and my endorphins. I don’t have any of it left anymore. It’s been so depressing. If I could have anything it would be to not be in pain and resume my active lifestyle .
We got 20lnches of snow here it was godawful. I made it to work, barely made it home on Monday. Couldn’t get my car out Tuesday. I pretty much dig around my car out. Hurt my back more. There is literally no where to put the snow in my driveways because it’s between 2 walls. I gave in and hired someone to come and dig half my driveway out so I can park my car and walk. It’s unreal, we haven’t seen snow like this since 96’.
I’m alone this weekend. Spending the super bowl with myself. D13 will be with her dad.
This pst year has been he!! For me. I managed to avoid covid though I worked closely with it, and that’s a plus. I am fully vaccinated and that’s a plus. But I just don’t have a circle anymore. My friends seem gone. Some are not gone emotionally, just due to distance, but others are around the corner and pretty much gone. Families and family friends have stuck together in their “pods”. But here I am. Alone.
I’m seeing my doctor for my annual physical at the end of the month and will probably ask to up my AD’s. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t even have my exercise. I have been thinking about going away for 3 days. But where and to do what? Who knows.
Well, that was depressing. One day I’ll have something not depressing to say .
