I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[sandi2]

I am feeling like a failure as a man and yet I know out of this hell I will come a confident, attractive and irresistible man.

Do you? Do you really believe you'll come out of this a confident, attractive and irresistible man? Feeling like a failure as a man is at the core of Paco not being able to let go of the M. In your initial thread you spoke of your family's values and traditions, which included how they measured a successful marriage/family. Like most every man I know, having a job that provides the income for the family is at the top of their priority list. That's one of the main responsibilities of a man with a family!!! But your WW hits you where she knows it will hurt the most........and you believe you are a failure as a man. Stop believing lies.

I've talked to you about this until I'm blue in the face, but it does no good if you choose to believe you have failed as a man. I can't change your thoughts, so if you are so determined to see yourself as a failure of a man .......then I can't change you. In spite of the work you've done, you are currently your own worst enemy. You are worse on yourself than your WW has been........which is terrible. You have measured your worth as a man, based on your W's feelings harsh feelings. I pray that one day you'll understand your self worth comes from within Paco. Yes, set goals, raise your standards or whatever it takes to grow as a person.........but what good does it do if you can't respect yourself? You need to stop beating yourself up and learn to forgive your past mistakes. Let it go, and start liking the man you've become. Your sadness will never go away if you can't forgive yourself. You were doing what you had been taught was the job of a H. You were a good man, and bad things happen to good people.......so stop with the self punishment and allow yourself to be happy. There's one person holding you back, and his name is Paco.

I am sure she will think I am a terrible monster who is keeping his money for himself to buy that car he was always talking about... but I am going to do it. As I said above, I am worth more than a safety net, and this safety net is broken today .

Let me tell you what I think it is a sign of detachment. When her thoughts and feelings about you become irrelevant. You make decisions based on your integrity and moral/spiritual principles, and not on what your W may think about it.

Stay positive, focus all my strength in inner changes, dropping all pursue and truly accepting W wants a D and I should deliver one even if it destroys every cell in my body. Understand I cannot control my way out of here and work for a better future.

The first sentence sounds contradictive. Are you staying positive a divorce will destroy every cell in your body? I don't think this is the type of positive thinking you should have. A divorce will destroy you.......only if you choose to let it destroy you. You have to change how you look at this, Pack. Not that you welcome or enjoy a divorce, but it doesn't have to destroy every cell in your body! That is YOU having that mindset. Only you can stop having that mindset. How can you have a positive outlook when your inner thoughts are saying every cell of your body will be destroyed?

I guess all of you from outside see it clearly how she is never going to change and I continue to idealize the woman I married to the point that there has always been a voice in my head whispering (she will realize, she will eventually see the truth). My sister thinks W is all about a nice facade and is rotten inside and she keeps telling me I need to see this at some point.

Well, she's your sister, so she may feel anger toward your W for the pain she's caused. I will say this, however, that women can read other women. Men can read other men. In other words, your sister wasn't blinded by love and could see through your W. Your sister doesn't have any illusions of a fairy tale R in the future with this W.

Pack, I'm so sorry you are having a painful day. I wish I could make it go away and fill it with pure joy. By your words, you are trying to see your worth a little more.......and I believe when you get things in proper perspective, your life will take off on a glorious ride. This will pass, and one day you will wonder why it took you so long. (((hugs)))