I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[Pack_19]

Hi Sandi, all!

I am having a terrible Morning thinking about the past and how sad it is that we are living separate lives after all we have achieved for our children. There are some comments from Steve and Sandi I have in my head today.

This

- Do not start R talks. (This includes about her infidelity)
- GAL (Those that struggle the most do GAL the worst)
- Continue to work on self-improvements. (Are you in IC? What books are you reading? How are you trying to become the best Pack_19 possible?)
- Detach! You need to be at a place where hearing about her infidelity has no impact on you at all. The fact that it has impacted you means you are still overly attached.
- Doing nothing IS doing something. (Do not give into the illusion of action.)"

The idea I have is to take these statements and refocus them from the point of view of a person who is moving on. I tried my best and despite being a terrible DBer and abusing the 37 rules over and over I still think W should have no doubt our family and M were priority number 1 in my life and I was ready to put on the hard work to make them better than before.

I also think about the time Sandi you told me I need to put my feelings aside when dealing with this kind of WW because otherwise I am going to lose myself. When I am ready to bring up divorce in April having collected all proof of my current financial situation and issues (my salary will drop then and L has recommended me I wait until then to change things) I am sure she will think I am a terrible monster who is keeping his money for himself to buy that car he was always talking about... but I am going to do it. As I said above, I am worth more than a safety net, and this safety net is broken today .

IC session went great, I was told it is fine to have this step back and grieve but I was also told I have not accepted W's decision and I need to work on doing the ultimate act of love for her. Giving her what she wants and divorcing her, for my and her own sake. IC literally told me to be the one to step down from the ring, to stop the fight and give up, there is nothing I can change. I hope you are happy to hear it resonates with all you have kept telling me. Now is Pack's turn to make it happen. I am feeling like a failure as a man and yet I know out of this hell I will come a confident, attractive and irresistible man. That is how I want to align my work on myself. Make me the man only a fool would leave. For that, updated PIES.

P - get back my competitive spirit, wanting to be the best at work and sports. Keep up the running, tennis and biking. Dress with style and my unique touch and gain that muscle mass I need.
I - Get the promo to L6 this year, get a new certification at work and continue to read about NMMNG, attractiveness, being a strong man
E - Continue to work on my empathy and communication skills. Practice with ANYONE, talk to my grandma and S7. Being a rock for my children now that they need it the most.
S - Stay positive, focus all my strength in inner changes, dropping all pursue and truly accepting W wants a D and I should deliver one even if it destroys every cell in my body. Understand I cannot control my way out of here and work for a better future.

Whether it's true or not, there is nothing you can do about it now. I mean, if she believes you didn't talk to her while living together, what kind of sense would it make for her to expect it while on the verge of D?

What I need to do is use that frustration to change my defects but reflect them on others right now. Learn to communicate better, never let money affect my vision of life, work on empathy and emotional connection (making people feel good things when interacting with me). In other words, be a shining sun with anyone but WW. Then permanently remain that sun, for my own sake. I have tried to communicate with her, God knows, but it is not the time and place for that.

Oh, excuse me? Does she not realize she is in no position to tell you how to parent the kids on your time, just as she doesn't want you to criticize her as a mother? She no longer holds authority over you or your life. That's what divorce does......it sets you free. How dare her!

I guess this comes with the entire manipulation, blaming pack. I need to get stronger in front of these comments. Ahe also told me to be clever and say positive things to S7 when he does not want to call her in the evenings she is with me, apparently she does so. She is all love to me you see... Jokes aside, I no longer know what is true or a lie and what to do or not when these lessons about dealing with kids, hiding ugly truth from them and having an amicable divorce come from here.

It's about vengeance.

That is very sad, I have tried it in the past and it never makes you happy. I will never understand how our M has come to represent something so negative to her. Best to let go, I can still save myself and become a new Pack.

I want you to hear me carefully. You desire the W and family you once had. Your W has changed. She's not the same person. If all of you lived together again, it would be a different family, b/c both adults have changed and the boys are older. So, honestly, there is no getting the past back. You can't turn back the clock and correct the mistakes that were made five years ago. I think you truly want a chance to make up for the past, b/c she has pounded into your head that you failed. If she moved back today, it would not be a happy occasion, b/c she has no loving feelings for you. Why on earth would you want to live out your life with someone who doesn't love you?

I am going to read this very paragraph many times. Why on earth would I want that? I dont know, I guess I am not thinking clearly as my mind is still processing all the pain and changes I have been through over the last year and a half. In some things I failed, in others I did not, what still shocks me is how much she values more those I failed on over those I nailed as a father and man.

I agree!

I need to nail this into my head everyday. The safety net is gone, I am worth a lot and I want to change to have an amazing life at some point.

Pack, listen to me. You can only do your part. She has to do her part, and she refuses. She cuts you down and you take it to mean you need to work harder to get her. No! It means your W is not a nice person. She manipulates you, and blames you. She takes no responsibility for her part. Until that changes, I don't believe there is hope for a future together with her. She is not willing to let go of the past and forgive. Well, so be it. That's her choice to live with that much resentment in her heart, but if I were you, I'd stop holding on to a dream. How could you be happy with a the kind of woman she has become? You've done all the changing. She's done no changing. She wants to hold the past over your head. That's the reality.

I guess all of you from outside see it clearly how she is never going to change and I continue to idealize the woman I married to the point that there has always been a voice in my head whispering (she will realize, she will eventually see the truth). My sister thinks W is all about a nice facade and is rotten inside and she keeps telling me I need to see this at some point. I think she is very radical but it is true that after all she has done to me, I have not lost my W, I have lost a woman I used to live with. If she really felt like my wife, we would have made it work, it would not be 18 months into this hell and still the same rejection and hatred.

Yes, you need to grieve. When we lose something precious to us, it hurts very deeply. You don't get through the grief in a few days and then it's all done. It comes in stages. You'll have better days, and then something will trigger your sorrow again. But here's the thing, Pack. If you had let go a year ago, you would be through the worst part by now and having a new outlook for your Paco's life. You have cried a lot of tears, but I don't think they were tears of grief. I hope you will let go and grieve for what the M could have been, and accept the reality.

Let's see if I can explain myself. When I cry I feel as if we had thrown to the floor years of work together towards a better place to be, a better career, traveling together, the parenting of our children, the love and desire to be together we once felt... I remember one day in Munich as all was ending, W was getting dressed and I came behind her wanting to hug, kiss her, and pull her down onto the bed. Not in a sexual way, just kissing. She took my hands of her and told me to stop. My marriage was falling to pieces and all I wanted to do was get a better job to work on the field I dreamed of, what an absolute emotionally useless man. Sorry but I really think this, many people have told me I lack emotional intelligence and I dont know how to exercise that.

I know you have suffered so much, and I could paint a beautiful picture just to keep you hanging on to false hope. But that's not the type person I am. I hope you'll resign yourself to the fact if the two of you ever get back together, it will be b/c she changes and she chases you down to tell you how sorry she is for hurting you and begs you to give her another chance. I don't want to see you giving up the life you could have b/c you're waiting around in hopes this will happen. I don't think she will. She comes out as the loser. She made this choice. You've done all you could to save the M, but she won't have it. Does that mean you have to work harder, make more changes? NO! It means it's over and there's nothing more you can do.

This is never going to happen Sandi, I wish, but she will not change. I guess it is easier to try luck with new affairs and enjoy the differences they will have wrt me. I have mixed feelings, it feels like freedom to be happy again but it also feels like I have lost the most important battle of my entire life and to a terrible enemy. Maybe if I had done the rules correctly and listened to you better, perhaps now from this letting go point of view I can implement them properly. If ever she comes begging, then I will worry about it but for now I need to make some changes to my life and my attitude towards WW. I am a great father and man, not a safety net or a poor husband.

Thanks a lot for your help and comments, it means the world to me.
Please keep posting, I am having a very low moment with the entire OM + giving up + D in my head.
(( hugs))
Pack