Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[Joe2017]

Hey Elbereth, hope you're taking care of yourself.

When we find out that our wayward spouse wants a divorce it hits us hard because it's a surprise. Then when we find out it's another person, it hits us hard because it is so counter to what we believed they were capable of. Well the truth is that they have been planning or thinking about it for a lot longer than you think. And they have been talking to the AP a lot longer than you think. They have done more things with the AP than you think and more frequently. And they enjoy the AP a whole lot more than you. Sorry to be blunt, but it is not easy to soften the blow.

I am 99% sure most wayward spouses exhibit the same patterns. Lies, cake eating, gaslighting... even displaying very blatantly that they are with the AP. Like that ring that your WH blatantly wears, my ex changed her OM's text ringtone to a very obnoxious sound. It would play all night at full volume for every text. They advertise this crap. They want us to leave. They want us to give up. They want to get in our heads. It took me a year to realize that the "girls trip" my ex went on was actually a trip with the OM... that happened about a year before the bomb drop. While I tried IHS, she left the OM's gifts around the house for me to see after she returned home at 3AM and 5AM in the morning. Very blatant, while spewing lies the entire time.

DBing is a really strange thing because it doesn't ever seem like the right thing to do when it comes to conflict resolution in a marriage. That's because it is not. You can't treat this like you used to when your marriage operated normally. All of those behaviors backfire every time. Being nice to them actually makes things worse. Don't believe anything positive that they say, it is almost always a lie.

DB and GAL is for you to reboot your life. It does not involve your spouse. It may involve some version of them in the future, or it may not. If you get good at DB then it won't matter. If you GAL your az off, it won't matter. DB and GAL is for you, and you alone.

Reading the LRT makes us believe that the wayward will see us in all our glory and change their mind if we GAL. This may work if your spouse is looking at the beach from the window of the hotel. But as soon as their toes touch the sand and the cool water splashes their legs, they are lost in the ocean and all of its promises. The reality is that if you are here on this message board, your spouse has probably already checked out and is on vacation.

So how do you treat them? Like a college roommate. Like the cashier at the grocery store. Like a bank teller. Like the person you have to work with that you put up with every day. Polite, but impersonal. Not rude, but not attentive. Professional, but not personal.

We all hoped that this community would be able to help us save our marriage. None of us can promise each other that result. But if you keep DB and GAL then we can promise that you will upgrade your life.